Foundational truths

Tonight I have returned to my first love in so many aspects. The heart tends to resign in ways known and unknown to or consciousness. In many ways I have found myself in this place. I have resigned from old dreams and desires in the Lord. Life has simply drowned out these truths as unattainable. Life has also somehow branded my soul through the years. It’s funny how the human heart numbs out when the road becomes a little too difficult.

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Life is one hard cookie to chew most days. Allow me to be bold enough to share my difficulty in hope that this will stir courage in the reader’s soul. The past  11 months I have returned home. From a life that previously was very comfortable and easy to digest. Returning home brought me back to reality, my reality, my home. The thing about living in comfort is that one tends to forget to live from the heart. It’s a beautiful numbing that happens in the place of ease. Coming home and being faced with a reality I had forgotten and disconnected from was not an easy process. I share this not for pity but rather for context.

There is a thirst that awakens, only from being found in a dry place. I have come to find that the desert produces more awakening than the the lush fields of life. We long for comfort, we long for ease, but the hard pressed places produces fresh revelation. It is the place of barrenness that brings fresh water.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19

Sometimes everything we ‘know about’ the Father is tested to produce that which we truly ‘experience about’ the Father. The bible speaks about Eternal life as ‘knowing the Father’. It is that foundational principle that will define, how we live and why we live. I have to certain extent walked away from truly knowing this. Often I place my value before the Father to the things I attain and the things I get from him. I have forgotten to rest in the simple truth that who I am and what I can get will never make me more his daughter than I already am. So here I find myself stripped of all comfort, all things I hold up as my trump card about myself. I am left with an utter sense of failure, empty of myself. The aching question lingering ‘Who do you say I am Deidre?’ Who is the Father to me? Who am I to him?

The accusations ooze out of my wounds like puss (gross I know, but you get it). One after the other, my lack of self worth bleeds from my heart. A belief system I have held near for far too long. I have resigned from the Father because I believe he has held out on me. When in fact no good thing he withholds from me. Now that things are delayed and I have nothing ‘good’ or ‘comforting’ to cling to, I see the wounds surface. I believe he has forgotten me, when in fact I have forgotten who I am to Him. Here I am again learning the foundational truths, that I am His and He is for me. I love this quote by Laura Hackett that says ‘rain is no measure of your faithfulness’…rain and abundance does not prove that He is good. HE IS GOOD. He is a good Father because his nature is only good.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

So here I find myself having to cling onto these truths in a very dry place, until I see the rain. As I am busy doing this I am finding revelations about Him that can only be produced by this process of my life. As fleeting as this season will be, I am holding onto the Holy Spirit for a revelation that is deep and steadfast. I can partner in this time or I can turn away and not learn the things this season longs to bring to my soul.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think,according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. – Ephesians 3:14-21

I get to partner in this season, by feasting on the goodness of the Lord (reading his word), agreeing with these truths (speaking his word into my emotions) and waiting on the impartation of these truths by His spirit (until my emotions change and align with his word). Until the day breaks I will cling to Him who my soul loves in the dark of the night. For surely as the sun rises in the morning her will shine on me.

Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. – Psalm 34:5

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Love is sober

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Love is sober

Love is not drunk with settling for less

Love will never be an easy decision

Love will never cop out

These words above, resound in my being…like no other this month. There is nothing more bitter and rewarding to the soul than a life alone…it is those moments by yourself that illuminates the deepest fears of the soul. When all the world seems to have moved on and you find yourself alone…in your singleness. In those fleeting moments you are absorbed by the lie that EVERYONE around you has life together. This blog is not about being single it is for the masses of loners out there who are consumed by the lie that you are lonely and that life has handed you the infamous lemon. This blog is for those who feel the Lord has forgotten them…for those drunk on the illusion of what life and love should look like.

Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry; hold not your peace at my tears! For I am a sojourner with you, a guest, like all my fathers. (Psalm 39:12)

Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:2-26)

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you. (Psalm 139: 17-18)

Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, My way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:27-31)

Jesus stands enthroned in glory forever waiting, forever wanting our weak attempts to love him. Love is fallible…I am fallible. My belief in my God is shaky…and often I find solutions to my fears in things apart from God. This past month of my life has proven just that. I have hit an all time low in my attempts to find love. I have parched my soul and deprived my heart of finding answers that remain yearning, like a craving for the depths of love. I have reduced love to a mere ‘feels good’ existence. Oh how weak the human frame must be to settle, to be okay with ‘just enough’, when a deeper love and experience of love awaits. A kind of love so vast and deep it pales in comparison to the picture we are intoxicated by. The movie image we have clung to for so long…the one I have romanced my fantasies with for decades. Yet each day awaits a sober kind of love that transcends the confines of this life…

Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. (Psalm 36:5)

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. (Matthew 22:37)

For a long time I have negated the idea of waiting and allowing the Lord to do the refinement in my heart before I moved ahead and found love in the arms of something other. Yet in my broken justification I have allowed my heart to want something else…something that would consume me and place itself in a position to lord over my affections, my thinking and my decisions. Now I sit here utterly shattered by my clutching hand not wanting to let go and allow the best he has for me to unfold. Even as I write this blog this truth stings my soul like peroxide cleansing a wound. Oh how wounded the soul must be that it is this depraved…this hungry to cling to anything. How void the eyes must be to settle on something less fascinating…to settle for second best when the best is yet to come. In the same breath I am utterly grateful for the mercy of the Lord to have broken into my hardened heart and moved with tender love to awaken me again to the beauty of painfully letting go of a love that was not real…for the One that only satisfies. In a moment when I was willing to compromise, He was uncompromising in his zeal for my affections and his plan for my life.

For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent, and for Jerusalem’s sake I will not be quiet, until her righteousness goes forth as brightness, and her salvation as a burning torch. (Isaiah 62:10)

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two- edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. (Hebrews 4:12-13)

Truth cuts like a double edged sword separating the need to settle apart from the best the Lord has in store for me. If you are a single woman this blog post is for you as much as it is for me. I envision my life’s journey to be like one standing at a cross road…torn between two paths. Will I choose the path that leads to loving God well in my single existence now or run down the path that leads me to an alternative solution outside of God. My final attempts at this love thing…which one is the right one for me? The answer is never rooted in that question…the answer is rooted in why this need for love lingers, why I want to fill this void that is and endless hole below the surface. Allow me to share my story. For a while now I have been in the beautiful US…loving life and then…along rolls my second year here and I am like…‘girl you still ain’t got no man…still waiting to exhale’. STING….as funny as that sounds typing it…there is a real abrasive burn that lingers behind. How it comes to be that I (Deidre) could have come this far in my life yet still so far from any form of relationship. Could it be that I am not intriguing enough? Could it be that I will spend an eternity without any man noticing me. Could it be that I have been forgotten by the Lord? Fast forward a few weeks and along comes a dashing male…handsome, charming and completely enthralled by me. Yes! FINALLY…

So I engage with said individual and soon find that he in fact is lovely and a great man. Yet the sober decision of pursuing a man that had different moral standards faces me. Like the harsh reality of ‘there’s no Santa’ I stand like a little girl so badly wanting this to be perfect…to work out The core of the matter was that I am a Christian woman who has certain standards and in a whim I had compromised on them. Soon I had my list out (ya’ll know ya’ll got that list too) and I was checking off some things I could ‘compromise’ on…besides life is about making compromises on certain things right? No…not when those things are values rooted in the character of the man Jesus. When those checklist items I scratch off is rooted in my needs to put a bandaid over the deeper issues in my soul. Thank God for amazingly sober minded best friends who will love me the way I deserve to be. Friends who cut it straight in tender love when all you want to do is cut them (sorry friends the struggle was real). I was so engaged in the emotional component of this interaction that I had scales over my eyes that impaired my vision. Why do I share this? I know there are many single /dating Christian woman who knows that the struggle is real. The struggle of wanting to be wanted vs settling for OK just because we fear the best will never come…oh my darling the BEST is yet to come. The Lord is faithful and he gives only good gifts to us his daughters…the ones he deeply loves and the ones he’s deeply devoted to. In this time of having to make a decision to either walk away from this or pursue this and see how far it takes me…I was deeply conflicted. The beauty of love is this…it is sober. Love is a sober choice and the Lord will never violate that choice for me. Let it be said that never in this time did I feel the guilt of the life I was wanting…the desire for intimacy, companionship and marriage is valid before the Lord. How I choose to live that out is my own choice…deep down I knew God would have me either way…yet the sobriety of loving everything I have in Jesus overshadowed my need to find a man that was ‘just good enough’…when I know I have a Father who has absolutely the best in store for me.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:7-11)

The best is yet to come…

The best comes only when we give up the ‘not so bad, but not the best’. To love the Lord will always require sobriety, sober choices, sober morals and standards. There is no grey area…it is that grey space that will kill your vision for life and your ability to find all you deserve. I came close to sitting in that grey space and vegging out.  You see the problem is not that God does not redeem my time and my past mistakes…but that he values the wise choices I make now to avoid having to be more wounded to the place where I need to come back again and then heal those wounds before I can move on. He values the follow through and the resilience to choose the best he has for me…when all else seems better. I had to choose to end this pursuit of happiness and trust that a man more amazing than this individual would come along, one who values the Lord in the same measure as I do. A man who would lead my heart to glorify God in and through the prophetic image that marriage is. Letting go sucks…there is no better way to put it. I just ended things yesterday and my heart is in tatters. I probably cried most of last night like a girl…yeah I said it…I am a girl deep inside. Yet midst it all I am not hopeless, I know that this is what I had to do in this moment to honor my commitment to being sober in love now and forever. I welcome the day that man enters my life and I know that this decision was the right one. Until such time I have the responsibility to openly bleed before the Lord and to drink truths from his word that will edify my brokenness. My life will always be one that is rooted in the truth that I am living for eternity…the way I choose to express that in this life is my own sober choice.

This verse will probably become my life mantra:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine; (Song of Solomon 1:2)

I will say again Love is a sober choice to follow the Lord’s will for my life. Love is a sober mark on the heart that says…It sucks letting go, but I love you more Jesus. Love is a sober decision to love a life worthy of being called a pure and spotless bride even when I fall short.

Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure – for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. (Revelation 19:7-8)

Love is resilient in it’s walk…Love moves always towards loving God well in the weak decisions and trusting that the best is always the intentions of the Lord for your life. My heart’s cry is to lay hold of a vision for being able to Love soberly…without waver. Love is steadfast…love is not cheap…love will never let go. God is love. The maker embodies the true image of a satisfying kind of love that is able to sustain us in every season of our lives.

In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. (1 John 4:10-11)

God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. (1 John 4:16-19)

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 1:13)

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Love unveils beauty

My heart is like an onion being pulled apart one layer at a time. I often think of my affections as being an unveiling of my true nature, my true brokenness…met by the mercy and power of the Father so I can give myself in weak love. It is He who enables my heart to find weak yeses. For a while now the Lord has been speaking a common theme over my life ‘wholeheartedness’. Giving my all even in the place of deep desperation to numb my pain, my fears, my doubts, my brokenness and my ugliness…giving every part of who I am is enough. Midst the desire to find satisfaction within other things I find whispers saying  ‘you are a beauty to unveil’. These whispers gently anchor my heart and draws me back into the heart of Jesus. There is an unveiling process taking place in my life right now and I can give myself wholeheartedly to it or retreat and be complacent in my brokenness…the choice will always be mine. The Lord will draw me out…but he requires me to follow. More that anything the Lord longs to wash me in his word and sustain me with truth like living waters flowing into me and eventually from me. There is deep rest in the truth of the Lord as I give myself to him. There it is that I find restoration and redemption.

letting go of my ideas of love is unveiling the beauty of true love

letting go of my ideas of love is unveiling the beauty of true love

If you do not know, O most beautiful among women, follow in the tracks of the flock, and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds ‘tents. (Song of Solomon 1:8)

 Jesus said to her, Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life. (John 4:13-14)

I am finding that my life has taken a deeply personal course. The secret places of my being, that deeply desire to be loved, is being carved out and in those moments I find desperate cries emerging for intimacy. The beauty of it all is that I am not alone in those moments. I find the tender comfort of the man Jesus and the truth of his words over me. When I bawl my eyes out as the pain surfaces, I am met by the Holy Spirit flowing deeply into those places of my heart. The entire process seems terrifying, and I try to hold back as Lord draws me out and unveils my wounds. As I give him my pain there seems to be a deep exchange of my brokenness met by his word, empowered by his spirit. I convinced each day that the Lord is able to comfort me…He is able to sustain me in loving him above all else…more importantly that He is real and His return is the only reward that truly matters. Love always emphasizes my need for marriage, oh how my heart longs for an intimate union to take place…because I long to be a beauty worthy of being unveiled. This week allow me to share my heart on this topic.

… for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure…(Revelation 19:-7-8)

And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And he who was seated on the throne said, Behold, I am making all things new. (Revelation 21:2-5)

My heart is being fused to the truth that Jesus came to be fully man. He fully related to brokenness so that I would not need to be bound to my wounds forever. Often when reading the gospels I don’t get that Jesus was a man…fully flesh yet fully God too. I often am not aware of how much God the Father loved me that he gave his son, so that I would find true love. In a world obsessed with ‘feeling’ love…it is rough to find the true meaning of love. We are so far removed from everything we are made for, that we are unable to touch the reality of a love like Jesus’s. My heart is so weak in understanding that I was made for more than happiness right now…happiness of the moment. We find media messages bombarding us with YOLO (you only live once) messages…take what we can, do what we like…love is fleeting. This is such an assault on true intimate love…you see this devastating impact upon marriages. Love should be easy right? Why work so hard? Oh goodness if anything…if we look at love’s true identity we must look to Jesus and see that love is intimacy met with obedience.

My all time anchor in love is Jesus’s plea before his father. In the moment when Jesus was fully a man and cried before his father to help him. Even in that moment his desire to be obedient and love us well overcame his desire to give up. In that moment the glory and beauty of Jesus was unveiled…even as his heart failed:

And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will. (Matthew 26:39)

These few verses shatter me…we need a Selah after these verses to just ponder that for a moment…

In John 17:21-24 it unveils the heart behind why he did what he did…why he endured the cross…he did it because he deeply loved mankind. The Lord deeply loved me…Deidre´…in real time. He loved me so much that he took a moment before he was to endure the most brutal, embarrassing and shameful death of his time…he thought of me…ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world.

Love is more that how I feel in the moment. It is more than how I will feel in the next moment. Love is anchored in the one moment when all of glory was unveiled in the face of a man nailed to a cross. It was unveiled in the moment that man rose from the death overcoming every shameful act I have and will ever commit. It was unveiled one and for all…now I can freely come and allow my false ideologies of love to lie at the feet of true love. I am so utterly broken by this revelation…love is more than my fantasies…it is far deeper than the kiss of prince charming. I have been kissed with a love that drips with freedom, intimacy, redemption and satisfaction beyond this life…beyond the fallible life. As I allow this truth to wash over me, I partake in true love. I am being unveiled as a one who is made to find true love unlike those in the movies. I am made to fellowship in true intimacy. The day I found salvation was not the end for me…it was the beginning of restoration and redemption. Jesus is so much more than a story written on the pages of the bible…he is real and intimacy with him is real. As I come and drink in this truth…as I meditate and fellowship with his Spirit…my beauty in him is unveiled.

This my heart’s deepest desire that I would fully know the man Jesus and see his deep devotion to me. I long to gaze into his eyes and see how he consumes me with true love. I am not crazy…I would be crazy if I did not believe and know he is real.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:14-19)

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine; (Song of Solomon 1:2)

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Facing the hard questions about being single

If you are over 25 and still single you know the depth of the accusations lingering within…this is not to say women below 25 do not feel the same anguish, there is just a different depth to the accusations as time passes by. I believe that when you reach 27 and older that the accusations become the force that slams on the door of your heart each day. When all your friends seem to be getting hitched and married, you are left sitting at the wedding ceremonies wondering: ‘What is wrong with me?’ ‘Am I not lovely enough to be pursued?’

Image source: etsy

Image source: etsy

There is nothing more complex than navigating your heart through this topic especially as a woman living in modern society. This has been the lingering theme of my life up to now and finally I am starting to face these tough questions…hoping to find solid answers to my longings. After a few years of just denying these desires I am left wanting solid answers for myself. So allow me to share with you a brief look into the answers I am finding for myself. I will not attempt to describe this as being a conclusive summary on this subject but what I want you to see is, that being a woman is about being vulnerable and it is ‘Ok’ to bring these matters before the Lord and wonder about these things. I think we live in a culture where we are silently taught to either negate these desires or to make it happen for ourselves. So today I want to attempt to share my findings on this topic.

The longing for intimacy is not going to go ‘away’: Firstly I have come to find in my own heart that the longing for marriage is a part of who I am. I will never be able to deny those desires. I was often the one consoled with the words ‘when you no longer long for marriage it will happen’, as much as I love my friends’ attempts at making me feel better about the situation, a part of me feels like this is not fully true. Will my longing just suddenly disappear and then the ‘right one’ arrives? No the longing for marriage was fashioned within me and often I confuse that longing for intimacy with the idea of being attached to a husband. The desire for marriage is valid and created by God for an eternal union to the man Jesus and marriage was in his plan for our lives.

Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; (Revelation 21:7)

Then the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him. (Genesis 2:18)

With that said I believe that the Lord is able to bring setting in our hearts on this matter. A settling to trust his leadership in every season of our lives and even in our single existence. I think trusting that he is faithful in this matter is the hardest part for me to fully grasp, because I am constantly reminded by society that the clock is ticking. I am still navigating my heart through this because it is a daily renewing of my understanding, as I do this I find deeper trust forging between me and the Lord. So my take on the matter is that the longing for marriage should not be confused with the desire for intimacy. The longing is ingrained within me and might never go ‘away’, but I have the opportunity  to find deep settling and trust  in this season as I openly speak to the Lord about this. Allowing my heart to let go of my own ideas of intimacy and seeing what intimacy really looks like.

Marriage to a man is not an end in itself: Gosh this is probably the biggest thing I need to face. I have placed being married on a pedestal. All my life I have equated my worth to being pursued by a certain gentleman and have become absorbed in the idea that marriage would solidify that I am beautiful enough, that I am noticed and lovely.

I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me. (Song of Solomon 7:10)

This is so hard to navigate through because the media has placed such a huge emphasis on this matter. The beautiful girl gets chosen first and the wall flowers hang out on the side of the dance floor, crowned as the loser in an ugly puffy dress. We are taught the silent message that our ‘goal’ in life is to be married and find ‘the one’. As much as I believe marriage is going to be beautiful I don’t believe that it is an end in itself. I want to be married and find that a man has pursued me and that he enjoys me…but placing an emphasis on being married as an end in itself is going to set me up for major disappointment. If I live in the place of wanting marriage as a way of ‘fulfilling’ my desires, my needs, my my my…I am going to fail at it completely.

The past month my church had this series called adult content …which was based on love, sex and dating (I would suggest this as a wonderful sobering insight to this topic – check it out on the link under messages). The one thing I found screaming out to me is that marriage in itself will not bring you happiness and satisfaction. Who I am now  will be carried into marriage. Finding myself in the Lord first will establish me as a person unto being able to function normally in the relational aspect of it all. David Sliker sums this up best: ‘Our greatest pursuit must always be the knowledge of God and encountering His love.  As we pursue the One who has found us, loved us, and saved us we are empowered to love Him back with all of our hearts – which must be our highest priority and greatest goal.  If these words define the rhythm of how we live our lives, then we will express true love deeply and authentically.  Love, for the one who is in Christ, is something far deeper and more powerful than a Hollywood romance.’ How to marry the right person

Lastly it is important to remember that as human as I am, so human will my future husband be. For me to place such a huge emphasis on the idea of marriage, places an unhealthy burden upon him to be the ‘perfect’ man. Chances are he will be broken, have issues, disappoint me and sometimes hurt me…because he is human, not God. Finding my satisfaction in the Lord is of utmost importance…or I will destroy myself and my future marriage. I believe that God gave marriage as a gift and a picture of what he is like relationally…so to find the balance in our relationship with him will only benefit our ability to love well.

 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery,  I speak concerning Christ and the Church. (Ephesians 5:31-32)

Single-hood is not purgatory until I get married: I never want to look back on this place in my life and think. ‘Gosh I was so obsessed with being married that I missed out on the now’. I am a dreamer and sometimes it gets the worst of me. The age old fantasy…escapism. Conjuring up my own ideas of what my life will be like when I am married…as wonderful as the mind is, it is also my greatest enemy. I can be so absorbed in the idea of what life would be like that I completely lose sight of what life is like now. I am able to successfully live in the now, if only I would allow myself. Being wrapped up in the ‘what ifs’ will ultimately cause me to live in a world that is not mine to create. I want to enjoy and be present in this moment. I am in the process of training my mind to see the now, comprehend the present and take in every moment.

Being an au pair has shown me the responsibility that comes with having a family and being a mother / wife. I have this gap in my life now to still be a tad bit selfish and spend my time doing the things I like. For example I love endless hours of reading and making random decisions to do crazy things…when marriage comes, my time will be divided. So for now this really is a blessing to be able to sit at 09:00 in the morning blogging and being able to spend endless hours reading and spending time with the Lord. I want to be able to see the beauty of this time in my life.

His leadership is perfect: I touched this topic earlier but I want to emphasize this point most. Being able to follow someone is a far more humbling experience than it is given credit for. Being able to submit my emotions and my ‘wants’ now to the Lord often breaks my heart. More than anything it girds my heart to believe that he is truly good. It allows me to experience the truth that he is faithful to me…that his intentions will always be for me.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. (Psalm 23:1-3) 

I remember days of reciting this verse in Sunday school, not fully grasping the weight of how true this is. The Lord has lead my life so well thus far, away from things that could have caused so much hurt and brokenness in my life. Even in the moments of having let go and being broken he led my heart along the rivers of comfort and restoration. Everything he does is out of his nature…he is consistent in his character. He has the most integrity and is unmoved in his love for me. This is probably one of my favorite passages concerning the nature of the Lord:

God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us. (1 John 4:8-12)

Even before my existence physically, he loved me. He knew me deeply and was committed to me. Such love that transcends the boundary of time… a love that was and is…eternal. This moves my heart in a way that words fail to describe.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you. (Psalm 139:16-18)

Finding my anchor in the truth is what sustains me. The fact that I exist speak volumes of his love for me. I did not just appear on the earth, I was fashioned by the very hands of the Lord…he has a plan for me…he has days written down for me in the journal of his heart. How can I not believe he loves me enough to lead my life well? As longs as I have breath in my lungs I want to believe and trust and follow the only one who truly loves me. I want to know that he is faithful to lead my heart and lead my life to someday find a man who represents everything that he is. Until that day I want to be committed to become everything he has in store for me right now.

I pray that these verses will become the anthem of my heart in this area of my life:

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.(Psalm 37: 3-5)

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