Tonight I have returned to my first love in so many aspects. The heart tends to resign in ways known and unknown to or consciousness. In many ways I have found myself in this place. I have resigned from old dreams and desires in the Lord. Life has simply drowned out these truths as unattainable. Life has also somehow branded my soul through the years. It’s funny how the human heart numbs out when the road becomes a little too difficult.
Life is one hard cookie to chew most days. Allow me to be bold enough to share my difficulty in hope that this will stir courage in the reader’s soul. The past 11 months I have returned home. From a life that previously was very comfortable and easy to digest. Returning home brought me back to reality, my reality, my home. The thing about living in comfort is that one tends to forget to live from the heart. It’s a beautiful numbing that happens in the place of ease. Coming home and being faced with a reality I had forgotten and disconnected from was not an easy process. I share this not for pity but rather for context.
There is a thirst that awakens, only from being found in a dry place. I have come to find that the desert produces more awakening than the the lush fields of life. We long for comfort, we long for ease, but the hard pressed places produces fresh revelation. It is the place of barrenness that brings fresh water.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
Sometimes everything we ‘know about’ the Father is tested to produce that which we truly ‘experience about’ the Father. The bible speaks about Eternal life as ‘knowing the Father’. It is that foundational principle that will define, how we live and why we live. I have to certain extent walked away from truly knowing this. Often I place my value before the Father to the things I attain and the things I get from him. I have forgotten to rest in the simple truth that who I am and what I can get will never make me more his daughter than I already am. So here I find myself stripped of all comfort, all things I hold up as my trump card about myself. I am left with an utter sense of failure, empty of myself. The aching question lingering ‘Who do you say I am Deidre?’ Who is the Father to me? Who am I to him?
The accusations ooze out of my wounds like puss (gross I know, but you get it). One after the other, my lack of self worth bleeds from my heart. A belief system I have held near for far too long. I have resigned from the Father because I believe he has held out on me. When in fact no good thing he withholds from me. Now that things are delayed and I have nothing ‘good’ or ‘comforting’ to cling to, I see the wounds surface. I believe he has forgotten me, when in fact I have forgotten who I am to Him. Here I am again learning the foundational truths, that I am His and He is for me. I love this quote by Laura Hackett that says ‘rain is no measure of your faithfulness’…rain and abundance does not prove that He is good. HE IS GOOD. He is a good Father because his nature is only good.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17
So here I find myself having to cling onto these truths in a very dry place, until I see the rain. As I am busy doing this I am finding revelations about Him that can only be produced by this process of my life. As fleeting as this season will be, I am holding onto the Holy Spirit for a revelation that is deep and steadfast. I can partner in this time or I can turn away and not learn the things this season longs to bring to my soul.
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think,according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. – Ephesians 3:14-21
I get to partner in this season, by feasting on the goodness of the Lord (reading his word), agreeing with these truths (speaking his word into my emotions) and waiting on the impartation of these truths by His spirit (until my emotions change and align with his word). Until the day breaks I will cling to Him who my soul loves in the dark of the night. For surely as the sun rises in the morning her will shine on me.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. – Psalm 34:5