Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. – Dylan Thomas, 1914 – 1953
As the journey of life continues one is prone to silent relinquishment. A still agreement lingers: ‘the journey shows no promise in yielding a victorious end’. It is this very refrain that becomes the song in my heart of late. Almost 8 years into my walk with the Lord and it has been the hardest walk in my life. Deeply rewarding in many regards, yet painfully isolated from society’s natural discourse. A journey that has left me counting the cost of choosing the Lord, and has left me having deeper intimacy in Him. Yet, I am left in a season of dealing with my silent resignation. The quiet comparison on the inside that the late twenties bring; the desire to coast with the rest of the world. If anything I am learning that life in the Lord is a marathon and not a sprint. While the world runs the marathon in one direction you are running in the other. Being shoved and bruised by the heavy stream of accusation. Yet, we take brief moments to stop, drink from the stream of the Lord’s pleasures and continue running with endurance.
So here I am ±8 years into the race and I too am growing weary. The beauty of the Lord is that he is faithful to heal the wounds of my resignation and to gird my soul with truth. In this season I am seeing the Lord’s fierce leadership over my life in measures I cannot begin to explain. I am discovering anew that Jesus rages with jealous fire over me and will never relent until I am fully his.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint. – Isaiah 40:29-31
…let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. – Hebrews 12:1-2
Being home has been interesting to say the least. It has brought a fresh reevaluation of my life. What the things are that I hold dear, how steady I truly am in the Lord. I find that I am revisiting old wounds (which I loathe) and having to find a renewal of healing. In the midst of the many tearful melt downs I am finding fellowship with the word again. There is a beautiful truth awakening on the inside, a reminder that the word of the Lord is living and active. A settling that anchors me in the fact that the Lord upholds me by the power of his word. I have been studying and meditating on the book of Hebrews and it has been bitter-sweet tears and dialogue behind the closed doors of my room. I am discovering in small measures that the word of the Lord is the platform for dialogue, it is when my pain meets his word that I am transformed on the inside. I am in a new season of prayer…a refreshing of interaction. My soul cannot hide from the Lord’s truth and my pain is the entrance ushering me closer to His truth.
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. – Hebrews 4:12
God, who at various times and in various ways spoke in time past to the fathers by the prophets, has in these last days spoken to us by His Son, whom He has appointed heir of all things, through whom also He made the worlds; who being the brightness of His glory and the express image of His person, and upholding all things by the word of His power... – Hebrews 1:1-2
I drew them with gentle cords, With bands of love, And I was to them as those who take the yoke from their neck. I stooped and fed them. – Hosea 11:4
If anything my being home is a fragrant time. I am rediscovering my resilience to love wholeheartedly even when every ounce of my being feels exhausted. More so, I feel the strength of the Lord’s zeal over me, in my weak reach for him. When I fail in my attempts to be fully sober, I get to commune boldly with the man who gave his all. I am the reward of his sacrifice and I get to marvel in this truth. The more I gaze at the character of Jesus I see a man raging against his desire to cave…gazing steady at his father and his desire for me. I see Him still upholding me even to the end of my life saying ‘that she would be mine Father’.
He had by Himself purged our sins, sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high, having become so much better than the angels, as He has by inheritance obtained a more excellent name than they. – Hebrew 1:3-4
But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels, for the suffering of death crowned with glory and honor, that He, by the grace of God, might taste death for everyone. – Hebrews 2:9
Therefore, in all things He had to be made like His brethren, that He might be a merciful and faithful High Priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For in that He Himself has suffered, being tempted, He is able to aid those who are tempted. – Hebrews 2:17-18
Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. – Hebrews 4:14-16
In this time of being stretched and moulded. I want to find that I have not given in to my desire to resign, but that I have given my last breath to the one worthy of my devotion. I want to rage against the dying of my inner light, I want to be found steady till the end, even as my legs shake. I want to be grateful for this time, and speak to Him about the things on my heart. More than anything I want to hear what he has to say. I want to be a friend, I want to know the sound of his voice. I want to be found present in the simple, weak yeses in my soul. I want to find flames burning once again.
And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. – John 17:3