My heart is like an onion being pulled apart one layer at a time. I often think of my affections as being an unveiling of my true nature, my true brokenness…met by the mercy and power of the Father so I can give myself in weak love. It is He who enables my heart to find weak yeses. For a while now the Lord has been speaking a common theme over my life ‘wholeheartedness’. Giving my all even in the place of deep desperation to numb my pain, my fears, my doubts, my brokenness and my ugliness…giving every part of who I am is enough. Midst the desire to find satisfaction within other things I find whispers saying ‘you are a beauty to unveil’. These whispers gently anchor my heart and draws me back into the heart of Jesus. There is an unveiling process taking place in my life right now and I can give myself wholeheartedly to it or retreat and be complacent in my brokenness…the choice will always be mine. The Lord will draw me out…but he requires me to follow. More that anything the Lord longs to wash me in his word and sustain me with truth like living waters flowing into me and eventually from me. There is deep rest in the truth of the Lord as I give myself to him. There it is that I find restoration and redemption.
If you do not know, O most beautiful among women, follow in the tracks of the flock, and pasture your young goats beside the shepherds ‘tents. (Song of Solomon 1:8)
Jesus said to her, Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life. (John 4:13-14)
I am finding that my life has taken a deeply personal course. The secret places of my being, that deeply desire to be loved, is being carved out and in those moments I find desperate cries emerging for intimacy. The beauty of it all is that I am not alone in those moments. I find the tender comfort of the man Jesus and the truth of his words over me. When I bawl my eyes out as the pain surfaces, I am met by the Holy Spirit flowing deeply into those places of my heart. The entire process seems terrifying, and I try to hold back as Lord draws me out and unveils my wounds. As I give him my pain there seems to be a deep exchange of my brokenness met by his word, empowered by his spirit. I convinced each day that the Lord is able to comfort me…He is able to sustain me in loving him above all else…more importantly that He is real and His return is the only reward that truly matters. Love always emphasizes my need for marriage, oh how my heart longs for an intimate union to take place…because I long to be a beauty worthy of being unveiled. This week allow me to share my heart on this topic.
… for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure…(Revelation 19:-7-8)
And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And he who was seated on the throne said, Behold, I am making all things new. (Revelation 21:2-5)
My heart is being fused to the truth that Jesus came to be fully man. He fully related to brokenness so that I would not need to be bound to my wounds forever. Often when reading the gospels I don’t get that Jesus was a man…fully flesh yet fully God too. I often am not aware of how much God the Father loved me that he gave his son, so that I would find true love. In a world obsessed with ‘feeling’ love…it is rough to find the true meaning of love. We are so far removed from everything we are made for, that we are unable to touch the reality of a love like Jesus’s. My heart is so weak in understanding that I was made for more than happiness right now…happiness of the moment. We find media messages bombarding us with YOLO (you only live once) messages…take what we can, do what we like…love is fleeting. This is such an assault on true intimate love…you see this devastating impact upon marriages. Love should be easy right? Why work so hard? Oh goodness if anything…if we look at love’s true identity we must look to Jesus and see that love is intimacy met with obedience.
My all time anchor in love is Jesus’s plea before his father. In the moment when Jesus was fully a man and cried before his father to help him. Even in that moment his desire to be obedient and love us well overcame his desire to give up. In that moment the glory and beauty of Jesus was unveiled…even as his heart failed:
And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will. (Matthew 26:39)
These few verses shatter me…we need a Selah after these verses to just ponder that for a moment…
In John 17:21-24 it unveils the heart behind why he did what he did…why he endured the cross…he did it because he deeply loved mankind. The Lord deeply loved me…Deidre´…in real time. He loved me so much that he took a moment before he was to endure the most brutal, embarrassing and shameful death of his time…he thought of me…ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world.
Love is more that how I feel in the moment. It is more than how I will feel in the next moment. Love is anchored in the one moment when all of glory was unveiled in the face of a man nailed to a cross. It was unveiled in the moment that man rose from the death overcoming every shameful act I have and will ever commit. It was unveiled one and for all…now I can freely come and allow my false ideologies of love to lie at the feet of true love. I am so utterly broken by this revelation…love is more than my fantasies…it is far deeper than the kiss of prince charming. I have been kissed with a love that drips with freedom, intimacy, redemption and satisfaction beyond this life…beyond the fallible life. As I allow this truth to wash over me, I partake in true love. I am being unveiled as a one who is made to find true love unlike those in the movies. I am made to fellowship in true intimacy. The day I found salvation was not the end for me…it was the beginning of restoration and redemption. Jesus is so much more than a story written on the pages of the bible…he is real and intimacy with him is real. As I come and drink in this truth…as I meditate and fellowship with his Spirit…my beauty in him is unveiled.
This my heart’s deepest desire that I would fully know the man Jesus and see his deep devotion to me. I long to gaze into his eyes and see how he consumes me with true love. I am not crazy…I would be crazy if I did not believe and know he is real.
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:14-19)
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine; (Song of Solomon 1:2)