Erasing distorted intimacy

This week has been a tougher week than I have had in  while. I sit here thinking how did I make it through last night? Then I realize the Lord truly is strong.

Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. (Psalm 61:1-3).

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Image by Michelle Michelle, source: flickr.com

This journey to the US has not only been terribly lonely it has been deeply rewarding to my soul. So here I find myself at the cusp of a new year beginning or rather at the point of applying for an extension to my visa. My heart is saying ‘just take me home’…while every inch of my being knows that I need this transforming year ahead. These past few months has been a time of separating my ideas for my life from the Lords plans for my life. As much as it relates to the physical aspect of my life…it runs deeper than that…it runs to the core of who I am as a woman and as a person. Every intention the Lord has for me is based on his desire for partnership, devotion and intimacy.

The past two weeks I have been wrecked by my need for intimacy and the world’s need for intimacy. More than that I am having to discover what true intimacy looks like. I have been bombarded with media, my family life and everything around me. It is like I have been given these ear muffs to place on head and the world is screaming at me and I cannot hear a single word. It is like standing in a crowded room and you are disengaged from what is taking place socially…your heart is just lonely…broken. That pretty much sums up my heart over the past few years. It is like something on the inside is tugging at my heart saying ‘this is not intimacy…allow me to strip you of everything you know or perceive as truth, and show you what it really looks like’. Me being me, decided to pack my bags and strip myself physically from what I know in order to find this…yeah just like a cliche movie script. Fast track a few months and I am at the beginnings of finding that being alone does not equate to being lonely. All my life I have been drunk on the illusion of intimacy…the need for either finding satisfaction in something (my drug of choice – fantasy) or numbing out so I do not have to feel this void.

For the first time I am allowing myself to detox from the lies and illusions I have clutched onto for so long…and it is like a chisel to my soul. It is like a hole is being carved out on the inside of me…a gaping hollow hole. To make matters worse…I have just started this bible study group which is wrecking me on the inside. Allow me to share my findings as I read and meditate on the text our group is discovering. I find it mind boggling how the word of the Lord is multi layered and how I am able to see something new in the text each time I read it.

The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.  And the Lord regretted that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart. So the Lord said, I will blot out man whom I have created from the face of the land, man and animals and creeping things and birds of the heavens, for I am sorry that I have made them. But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord. (Genesis 6:5-8).

This week I want to focus on what is happening in my heart in relation to the text. I want to encourage you to read the text for yourself and ask yourself these questions: What is the text saying (what am I reading at face value)? What does the text say about mankind/humans? What does the text say about God? How does this apply to me?

I think the words screaming at me this week are simply these:

The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.  And the Lord regretted that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart. So the Lord said, I will blot out man whom I have created from the face of the land, man and animals and creeping things and birds of the heavens, for I am sorry that I have made them. But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord. (Genesis 6:5-8).

I find it deeply comforting in this space I am in. The Lord sees the extent of my heart’s wickedness and he is not surprised by anything I fail at. More than that he saw this in the earth and he was deeply grieved. It saddens the Lord that I am broken and battling with the wounds afflicted upon myself by myself. I find comfort in the Lord’s words ‘I will’, it speaks of a God who takes action on behalf of humanity. Not only did he feel grieved, he took action. He was committed to removing wickedness from the earth. I love the word blot out…I think of a giant eraser…just cleaning the canvas from the marks of a pencil…it speaks of change…like a new beginning.There are two things that come to mind…1) the Lord is giving his word and his commitment in that moment and 2)He is committed to remove wickedness from the earth. As I read the text I feel the tender heart of the Father as he says ‘For I am sorry’…it brings me to tears. Last night as I had to process my wounds and as I cried I was lying in bed just bawling my eyes out…and this morning reading those words ‘ for I am sorry’ just rips me apart. It is like in that moment I felt the Lord take ownership for the wounds I am feeling. Just the fact that the God whom I perceive as distant feels for me…shatters me to pieces.

If anything I am having to cling to this revelation of this amazingly gentle and fierce God who not only sees my broken state…but is grieved by the extent of the wounds I am enduring because of this, yet above all…he is fighting for me. He takes ownership of the process that I am allowing him into. He is able to do far more than I am able to comprehend. This is my comfort as I lift my head and try another day to find truth…to walk in intimacy the way I was made to. He is committed to me even when I come up short. The process to finding truth is marked with a choice to say yes and is elevated by the grace given to walk it out. I had a chat with my life group leader the other day and he reminded me that following Christ demands everything. I am again reminded that the Lord is wholehearted, I am made to live wholeheartedly. For me this journey is saying yes to staying here another year, potentially putting life on hold as I would have liked for it to pan out. In these moments of facing those things I need to remind myself that finding intimacy in it’s true form is more valuable than anything I could ever attain externally. Intimacy will deeply impact who I am when I have nothing…it will impact every decision I make in my life and it will affect the world around me. So for now I hold onto finding the Lord in the place of true intimacy. I find it amazing how I can go from being utterly broken to finding such deep comfort in the word…and as I pray and agree with these truths I find that I am able to find hope midst the pain. Healing is a process and it happens in small steps…so for today I cling to the Lord in order to find liberty and truth.

This is my prayer for my life and for every person reading this blog: For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.(Ephesians 3:14-21)

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2 thoughts on “Erasing distorted intimacy

  1. Charlene Harris says:

    Wow. Thank you for sharing. It touches a cord in my heart when reading your words. Glad I can be part of your journey and take from your words in place it in my journey. Keep on shining your light. Mwahz

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