There is something about the rain that makes me all warm and cosy on the inside. I want to just cuddle up under a blanket and read. The warmth of that coffee mug in my hand draws my heart into the confines of my space…my mind. I don’t think I have a concrete idea as to what I will be writing about today other than allowing my mind to go and my fingers to type. I guess the notion that hits my soul this week is ‘simple devotion’. I have been reading Wild at heart by John Eldridge (hoping to get some insight into the male psyche) and have been completely ripped apart by the internal dialogue it has brought for myself (funny how the Lord works…he was probably like ‘psh girl please, I got other plans for this book’). There are truths in the book that has shaken my heart not as a women but as one created in the image of God.
I think the deepest notion is the idea of ‘what am I made for?’ Probably the toughest questions to dig into and find concrete answers to. We live in a culture of running…running after, running towards, running forward…constantly moving…don’t stop, keep going. Now I am in the ‘stop and listen’ phase of life. As much as it is killing me, it is bringing such deep character molding and settling I would not have found unless I stopped for a second. So in a nutshell I took a gap in my life…thinking I was going to save for missions school (deeply still hoping to), do music and life would be wonderful. Fast track 5 months into my plan and I am here. I am an au pair, with no solid plan, no money saved and partially faded dreams. Saturday morning during my personal time with the Lord I kept feeling him prompt the idea of ‘What do you see when you look at yourself?’ For the umpteenth time in my life I find myself in this place…and to be honest I don’t think much of myself. Most days I think nothing to less than nothing of myself. I sell myself short on so many things and allow myself to hide from the fullness of everything I can be. I fail to offer my heart, I fail to offer myself…it is easier that way. Then it was like a whisper to answer that searching question… I felt the Lord answer me:
But the Lord said to Samuel, Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. ( 1 Samuel 16:7)
In that brief moment I felt the validation of ‘this is what I see’. That, in my opinion, is the root from which we are to bloom. In that brief moment the Lord validated me through the story of David. There was something in the way David carried his heart before the Lord that mattered more than the job he was doing. When given the mundane task of watching sheep, he found vision and purpose in the moments spent with the Lord. He had seen the beauty of who he truly is, and it no longer mattered to him if he was last in the hierarchy of importance. If only I could get that reality for myself…that regardless of the external factors of my life…who I am in the secret of my heart is what counts.
We are creatures of worship…we must worship something…that is what we are intended for…to worship the only living God.
And between the throne and the four living creatures and among the elders I saw a Lamb standing, as though it had been slain, with seven horns and with seven eyes, which are the seven spirits of God sent out into all the earth. And he went and took the scroll from the right hand of him who was seated on the throne. And when he had taken the scroll, the four living creatures and the twenty- four elders fell down before the Lamb, each holding a harp, and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints. And they sang a new song, saying, Worthy are you to take the scroll and to open its seals, for you were slain, and by your blood you ransomed people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation, and you have made them a kingdom and priests to our God, and they shall reign on the earth. (Revelation 5:9-10)
Seasons in life will pass and change…we will evolve in life and find constant change. The one thing that will remain constant in our lives is gazing and beholding the beauty of the one from which we were formed. It is in this revelation that we truly find who we are, what we are purposed for. It is in the depths of his eyes of fire, that all self hatred is disposed off, and the refining beauty of oneself is revealed. Oh how I long to find this truth for myself…that in everything I would see that HE IS and therefore I am. That in the nothingness of my life, I would find the fullness of who he is and how he views me despite my fears and lack of ‘having my life together’.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27)
I hope someday I will fully get this etched on my soul.