Today my heart smiles and I breathe in a deep breath of happiness. It is a new year and I have been carried through 2013. Last year is the second year I am able to say it has been a good year. Every year has just grown sweeter and more intimate as I started responding to the desires within. Three years ago the Lord started marking my heart with a desire for intimacy. At the time I had no idea what was happening and why I was yearning for more. Two years later and I am ruined by the love of the man Jesus and the fellowship of that deep devotion. I am intoxicated by this love…
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine; your anointing oils are fragrant; your name is oil poured out; therefore virgins love you. (Song of Solomon 1:2-3).
A love that chose me and has marked me with a burning desire for more of Jesus. I cannot often comprehend what the intimacy of the Lord is like, but what I can say is it has consumed me in a manner that has forced me to gear all my resources, energy and time to pursue it. I want to waste my life searching the heart of God and when Jesus returns I want to be waiting for him. I want to take these moments now and redeem my time to feast on the truths of the Lord. A few years ago I heard a sermon on the story of Mary of Bethany and something inside me started raging, like my soul was saying ;’yes’ over and over and over. Something about that woman who chose to spend her life’s worth of perfume on the man Jesus got my heart leaping. At the time I had NO idea what I was saying yes to…I was this crazy girl just leaping and saying ‘I am in’. Now I am almost 27 years old and I am saying yes more fervently for the Lord. I still think about it and think to myself…what has come over me. It is like the Lord birthed his desire within me. Like he looked down from heaven and searched the earth to find a bride who will prepare herself. Then he saw this weak girl named Deidre, sitting in her room in Belhar and said to his father ‘I want her…that one father’. I love thinking about it that way, it makes my heart happy to think that the Lord saw me in my feeble state and saw so much more than I could ever.
My weak yes, was ignited by the power of his Spirit and the course of my life changed forever. As the years had gone by, my weak yes has grown stronger. It has gone from a groan, to a faint whisper and might even now be at the place of being a normal toned yes 🙂 Here I am sitting in Kansas City at the IHOPKC missions base again. Drinking my coffee and marveling at the goodness of the Lord. More so, I am overwhelmed by his faithfulness to me. When all the world thought I was crazy (and probably still thinks I am)…I am content in the fact that he thinks I am awesome. I get excited at the thought of what 2014 will bring…I have not felt this way in a very long time. Year in and year out I would be overcome with shame and resentment at the lack of love I have had for the Lord…consoling myself in my new year’s resolutions. Now I just sit back and say ‘Lord more of your mercy, love and grace to continue’. That is the only resolution I want for the rest of my life.
As I sat in the prayer room I asked the Lord what he was speaking over me this year as I am 11 days away from turning 27. The thought arose in my heart ‘I wonder what Psalm 27:13 says’. Psalm 27 is probably my favorite psalm ever, the fact that it is my birthday on the 13th that thought arose. So I sit there and suddenly that is the very verse the worship team decides to meditate on.
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! (Psalm 27:13-14)
Immediately my heart was ignited with this truth over my life in this season. Had I not believed that the Lord is good, I would have lost all hope in life. Had I not partnered with the Lord when he had stirred my heart years ago, I would not have been able to be the woman I am right now. I would not have had the journey (as rough and scary as it was) to being molded into the Deidre Mackenna I am today. By no means am I perfect…I will be eventually when the Lord returns. However I am different as I have grown in the Lord and as he has held my hand through the letting go of so many things. He is committed to bring forth a bride in me that is spotless, and beautiful as I was intended to be when he shaped me in the womb of my mother. I am no longer ashamed of who I am and what I have had to overcome. I am no longer ridiculed by the shame of my past…I am no longer confined to the ideologies of this world. I am no longer confined to the critique of my own weak mind. I am not shaped by the opinion of man…I am shaped by the love of the man…Jesus.
As I have started to really scrape the surface of waiting on the Lord, I have began to see the courage and strength that shapes my character. I have begun to see the value of who I am made to be. Every waking moment of my life has been one shaped and laid out by the Lord. He has written my existence in his book even before I was thought of by my parents. I would never have imagined my life to be the way it is right now…I am in-between as society would have it labelled…but I am right there in the vortex of the love of God. Right there in the womb of mercy, grace and devotion. I love this place and I pray that as 27 arrives, that I would remember that truth. He loves me and he wants to be near me for all eternity and that is what I am made for. I am made and fashioned to be with the Lord where he is all the days of my life.
So I would like to ask you to partner with me in prayer that the Lord would cause my heart to abound more and more in love. That my heart would be found bearing the fruits of righteousness and that my soul would burn with the fire of a steady gaze. That in all my years I would be found with a yes in my heart. As I embark on this journey of pursuing wholehearted devotion to the Lord…I long to be as a bride waiting with her lamp filled with oil…because I chose to wait on the Lord and find hope in his word.
Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world. (John 17:24)
Then the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish, and five were wise. For when the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them, but the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. As the bridegroom was delayed, they all became drowsy and slept. But at midnight there was a cry, Here is the bridegroom! Come out to meet him. Then all those virgins rose and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said to the wise, Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out. But the wise answered, saying, Since there will not be enough for us and for you, go rather to the dealers and buy for yourselves. And while they were going to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the marriage feast, and the door was shut. Afterward the other virgins came also, saying, Lord, lord, open to us. But he answered, Truly, I say to you, I do not know you. Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour. (Matthew 25: 1-13)