I have been in the US for a month now. I have not written anything since I left Cape Town. I guess I have not had much to say. Settling in has been an adjustment for me in every sphere of my life. Finding quiet time with the Lord has been difficult, I am a creature of habit and familiarity so finding a rhythm takes me a while. Well today I want to speak about the things on my heart in this season.
I am a million miles away from my homeland. I will not get to see my family’s faces for a while and right now it feels like an eternity. I am missing home so much. For a while now the Lord has had his finger upon an area in my life that I have avoided. I guess often when accusations stir within me, they surface in bits and bobs. My accusations almost always comes back to the desire for marriage…I am a bride after all.
Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure. (Revelations 19:7-8)
In this season of my life I am alone and often the accusations of being lonely stirs, when I am alone in my room and no one sees. This quote by Mother Teresa always anchors my soul to the reality of life: The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved. In my life I have to fight that stigma. I have always been one of those girls that had to fight for others…yet I was left hanging so to speak. Blow after blow I would feel the sting…partly because I have built a wall of being ‘ok’. Day after day just reaffirming the accusation that I am meant to be left alone in the depths of my heart. More than anything I long for intimacy and fellowship in a manner that is deep and enjoyable.Being on my own has been an interesting ride thus far. Being back in the place of just me and Lord has brought me to a space of having to have the tough talks with him. As much as I try to avoid it, the Lord is relentless in his pursuit of my heart. He is devoted to me and he fights for me.
Gird your sword on your thigh, O mighty one, in your splendor and majesty! (Psalm 45:3)
Last night I sat on my bed and all of a sudden it was like my resistance broke. I was a mess of silent sobs and shattered pretense. I was no longer okay…I was a confused young girl…seeking affirmation in truths. I have been so preoccupied in finding my own feet midst the loneliness that I have neglected to find solace in the only living hope. I needed affirmation in a hope that is not fleeting but that is everlasting. I needed to find my heart anchored in the truth that I am not lonely…even when I find myself alone. Being alone is not necessarily loneliness.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, (1 Peter 1:3-6)
I had to allow the Lord into those places of doubt and fear…the places that felt they needed an explanation. I needed to shatter the accusations of loneliness by reaching out. I had to allow the Lord to fellowship with me in the sacrifices made to be here right now. This has been a beautiful blessing in a whole…I get to be here in America and save money to go to missions school and I am thankful. Yet the Lord is aware of the sacrifices I have made in the past and even now… so today he is reminding me that he sees them all. He sees the desire to be married in this life and the fact that I have chosen to be with him right now. He sees the deep longing to be with my family and to be near them…he is pleased with my desire to follow him, being miles away in this season. He also sees how I have left all I know behind and all I thought I am…in order to find who I am made to be in Jesus. For the first time in a long while I have felt the depth of not being anything I thought I would be…I had dreamt of being successful in my career and ministry. I am no longer any of those things when you look at me at first.
More than anything I have come to see how loving the Lord is and how he is committed to triumph over all of the above. That giving all I am is a fragrant sacrifice before him. I get to love the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul and strength in this season. I get to be with him in intimate fellowship…he gets to reach those places that can easily be masked. I get to feel and experience in my emotions that I am not alone…that he is with me in every detail of my life. He has a plan for my life and he walks with me every step of the way. I love how he loves me so much and how he has given me all good things because he longs to be near me. Knowing the Jesus of intimacy is better than anything else really. These verses spoken by Jesus himself deeply comforts me right now:
I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world. (John 17:23-24)
Jesus said: ‘Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.’ (Mark 10:29-31)
I guess I want to end this blog off with a request for prayer, that in everything the Lord would draw me into the place of intimacy and fellowship that I would be grounded and rooted in the love he has for me.