It is past midnight and I sit hear tears streaming down my face because the Lord is good. The goodness of the Lord overwhelms my soul. He has seen the depths of who I am and has met every need. The journey to this place and this moment has been orchestrated by the Father, every detail of my life up to this point has been crafted specifically for me. I have had rough months of deep dialogue and shattered ideologies about the Lord…which has left me with this simple summary of the nature of God….’He ALWAYS has good intentions for me’
This has been a phrase engraved upon my life…’his banner over me is love’
He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. (Song of Solomon 2:4)
So the last month my life has fallen apart quite literally… but I am happy to write this blog to reassure myself that the Lord is faithful to heal the brokenhearted. Not only is he there to heal my heart, but he has shown me that he is a good father and his leadership is beyond perfect. Last month or so I was well on my way to the USA to work as an au pair unto saving to do missions school (read my previous blog post here)…then my plans unravelled and I was left feeling broken and hopeless. Tonight I sit here typing away, crying because God has proved to me once again that his promises for my life are real and he is faithful to bring it to fruition.
I am 3 days away from flying to New York City for my Au pair program…YES I am going to USA and I am well on my way to saving for missions school. Turns out God had a better plan for my life…he had a better placement in store for me. One that would suit my needs down to every detail. You see sometimes I forget those simple prayers I whisper to the Lord…those ‘bonus details’ which I often pass over for the less ‘bonus’ details….but the Father sees it and he stores it in his heart…and wants to give them to me. I remember the very first encounter I had with the Lord, he kept saying the phrase: ‘stop eating the crumbs Deidre, sit at the table and see the feast I have laid out for you’…little did I realize then that the Lord meant every word he spoke. He has a feast laid out for me…if only I would accept the offer and partake of every minor detail he has for my life. I have always been that woman that dreams big, but never dares to live too big. I am not that girl who has the radical testimonies of provision and major breakthroughs….or so I thought. I had fallen into the facade of false humility….shying away from radical devotion, reckless faith and dangerous adventures with the Lord.
If anything, I now know I am meant to be that girl if only I would allow the Lord to do his work through me and in my life. I sit here bawling at the reality that I am that radical faith…major testimony girl. A year ago flying to the States was impossible…let alone go to IHOPKC…and I did. Going back a second time…in this economic day and age is even less possible (I am from a South African low income household enough said)…yet I am going AGAIN. 2 years ago I desired to study music again…which was impossible for me to do…I had no time or money to pursue such a ‘crazy’ desire…now I AM going to do it. All I ever wanted t do as a child was sing and write music to the Lord…and now I will gain the skills to pursue just that. In a world that seemed totally impossible God has made this happen…small steps…and giant leaps has lead me here. In the disappointment I had to fill myself with the truth that God is who he says he is…even when it seems otherwise. I have had to deal with the offense and press forward into the place of healing. I have had to bare the stigma of being irresponsible and irrational…unto clinging to the truth that the Lord gave me desires and promises for a reason. Had I not said yes in the tough times…I would not have been able to enjoy the good times with the Lord. It has been a hard journey of doubt, shaken faith, grace and faithfulness. I have had to embrace humility and lean into my bridegroom King…I have had to depend on my closest friends to help carry me through these time. In those bitter moments God surrounded me with the most amazing people…who has practically shown me love like nothing I have had before. Love of the caring and nurturing father in the faces of my two best friends Bianca and Earl. Comfort, love and wise council in the face of my new best friend Rebecca. Unconditional support and love in the faces of my parents and sisters.
Tonight I am 3 days away from my trip to Philadelphia and I had no money for the last minute things. I have been unemployed for the last 3 months. So money for the last few things was not there. I need bags, traveling money, extra clothes and some other things…and the money has not been there. Little by little God has started filling those needs, through friends giving me gifts and people randomly blessing me with things. This week I prayed and asked God to please make a way for all the rest and all the ‘big stuff’…today he has made that way. About an hour ago I received a text from my bank saying that money has been deposited into my account…enough money to cover all my needs and beyond!!! How faithful is the Lord!!!
I share this story because I want the world to know that God has good intentions for our lives ALWAYS. His banner over us is love. He loves us unconditionally and moves at the sound of our simple prayers. Yes it may happen in an instant or it may take 2 years like it did for me…he does hear. He does have exciting plans for our lives and we do not need to settle for complacency and second best when he has the best to offer us. He looks upon us and wants us to step out and have faith in his love for us…yes we will be disappointed sometimes…but never does it change the fact that his leadership is always good and unto the best for us. My faith is stirred and I have a deeper knowing that he is faithful to provide for me, in every season of my life. I see this journey and I smile because I know with a deeper conviction that he loves me.
Trust in the Lord, and do good dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. (Psalm 37 3-5)
Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.(Psalm 36:3)
How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house and you give them drink from the river of your delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light. (Psalm 36:7-9)