It has been a long period of silence from my last blog entry. I guess I am now at a place of having something to say. Tonight I sit here drinking my coffee not sure of what will flow from my heart. I am so aware of how weak and fragile we are as human beings and how fallible our love is. Love that fluctuates and changes. I am in a place where love is one huge question mark most days. I am unsure of how to love and how to even receive love. What am I even saying?
I sit here and the only thing that crosses my mind when thinking of ‘true love’ …is Jesus. The God who loves even when unloved by many. I love because he first loved me…words that are so true. The past month has shown me that reality like never before. As much as I want to pretend that I am that girl with hands raised high, singing at the top of my lungs ‘Jesus I love you’ and fully grasping that notion…I am not. I AM NOT THAT GIRL…it irks me even to type that phrase, because pride in my heart says ‘NO the world will see that you are a lame weak Christian girl’…yet admitting that phrase to myself is so liberating. I am that girl tossed too and fro by the storms of life…anchored in the love of Jesus. Life has taught me thus far that it changes but love remains constant, love without the frills and charms.
The kind that breaks the awkward silence of shame and failure. Love that won’t give up the fight even till the end. The love that loves to the end, the very end.
‘…having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.’ – John 13:1
‘There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.’ – 1 John 4:18-19
The kind that awakens your heart over and over again, the kind that gazes upon your sin, your lack of commitment and your junk; and says…’I love you the same’. The love that looked upon Judas and called him friend, even as His heart broke in the moment of betrayal. The bridegroom who knows the depths of our lack of consistent love…yet longing for our gaze and weak attempts. The kind of love that lifts my head failure upon failure, looks me in the eyes and says ‘Deidre you are beautiful’… that reality breaks my heart in a manner I would never be able to express in words. The kind of love that wipes my tears and hold me in the quiet of the night. Jesus loves me like no other…there are days when all I would like from the Lord is a good scolding, some harsh rejection and ridicule to justify my lack of commitment…because if I was on the other end of that stick I would do just that. Yet I am received with a deep desire after me…an extension of deep commitment to bring me forth in love. In all my brokenness I have found One Thing…and that is that love remains.
I have not found the ‘perfect’ expression of love… yet it has found me. Today I was having my quiet time and the Lord reminded me of the simple truth that he is seated on his throne with eyes blazing with fire. ‘…His eyes were like a flame of fire’ – Rev 1:14
The kind of fire that cuts through the dross in my heart. For a month now I have battled with that idea of not ‘loving enough.’ Not being enough…not being enough to receive his love. Then truth hits me like a hammer and chisel…etching the mark of deep love, unlike the kind I see around me. The enjoyment of love is found in the beauty of Jesus. Oh how I long to gaze into the eyes of Jesus and fully see his love for me right now…I am grateful for the glimpses he gives me in my quiet moments with him. He is so faithful to me…SO faithful. He remains devoted to me, in the good and the ugly of my life.
As my life is changing and I am transitioning out of my life here in South Africa (for a while), I am so afraid and excited all at once. I am discovering that regardless of what my life looks like now or where I find myself in the future…If I have not found love (and by love I mean Jesus)…I have nothing. Nothing to give and nothing to gain. He is the only anchor in all of my life…so often I forget that truth. I need to seek and find the love of the Lord every moment of my life…every season of my soul. I am made to receive the love of Jesus, day in and day out…unto being able to sustain my life until he returns. The cry of my life is to know the love of Jesus and to gain insight into the depths of his love. I long to see and experience the love of Christ as long as I have breathe in my lungs. The mandate of life is to run into the arms of love…even when I forsake love…Jesus NEVER EVER forsakes me! The desire of the Lord is that I would know love and experience the satisfying pleasure of his love in my life now and in eternity.
The prayer I will cry all my days is this:
‘…that according to the riches of his glory he may grant (me) to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in (my) inner being, so that Christ may dwell in (my ) heart through faith—that (I), being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that (I) may be filled with all the fullness of God. – Ephesians 3:16 – 19
Why? Because of this truth:
‘…because God is love.’ – 1 John 4:8
Love was the mandate of Jesus’s time on earth:
I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them. – John 17:26
Love is not based on achievement and ‘gain’…it is defined by the truth and it is ONLY found in the man Jesus. As much as that offends the human heart…it remains the truth. When all is burnt away in my life…only one thing remains…and that is love.