For a while now I have found myself in an intense place of nothingness. Often when we find ourselves in the place of lacking in finances and security, it seems to be a lonely road ahead. A place filled with despair, despondence and emotion. The place where our hearts are clouded by life and its pressures. My heart would fluctuate from circumstance to circumstance. Walls in my life were closing in on me, causing my strength to fade gradually. I found myself in a place of deep questioning and accusation…’Where are you Lord?’ ‘Why are you not hearing my cry for help?’ ‘Why am I having to struggle?’ …the endless accusations. The breeding ground for lies…where dogs lie in wait …to feed upon my fear. The place where the enemy prowls waiting to devour my flesh.
This place is a broken and desolate place…where isolation easily sets in. I found myself just hungering…desperate to have just about anything. Anything to numb the emotions inside. I found myself vegging on movies, food, sinful behavior…just about anything to silence the pain. These comforts that leave me aching further…once the ‘thrill’ wears off. Then one evening I had a dream and in this dream I found myself being chased by dogs. Vicious, blood thirsty dogs…foaming at the mouth waiting to devour my flesh. I remember running into this shop trying to seek help. Yet no one seemed to see these wounds and attack marks on my body. No one saw these dogs…waiting for me outside the door.
I woke up that morning feeling really disturbed and I prayed about it all. I felt the Lord say to me that the enemy is out to kill and destroy…out devour everything and anything my life is meant to be. I found myself meditating on scriptures regarding the violence of the kingdom:
‘Outside are the dogs and sorcerers and the sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.’ (Revelation 22:15)
From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven has suffered violence, and the violent take it by force. – Matthew 11:12
I kept crying out to the Lord for a violent heart…whatever that meant. I wanted to be violent at being violent. I wanted to know what this meant and how to fight. In those moments I found myself wanting more than what I had in Jesus. It was like I needed to encounter him and feel him and know what his voice sounds like…he needed to become real to me…tangible. I desperately needed to know he is real. Then one night I was sitting at my keyboard worshiping and I kept hearing the phrase ‘the sound of heaven touching earth’ …I was like ‘say what?’… What is the sound of the kingdom of heaven touching earth?
A week went by and just kept thinking upon that phrase. I kept seeing my life, my fears and kept hearing the sound of my lack in life. I was perplexed at this vague statement lingering in my mind. Then one evening during another worship set I found myself singing these words ‘there is a song arising from the ashes…there is a song arising from the earth…it is the sound of the people saying ‘Jesus you are beautiful’’…it then hit me that the sound of heaven was the sound of hope. We live in a world that is rapidly growing hopeless…if not hopeless already. I see the groans of the earth all around me…you see it on the faces of people. I see it in the faces of the boys we feed each week. I see it the face of my unsaved relatives, I see it in the eyes of men and women who have not encountered the heart of the father. Countless of Christians who lack revelation of Jesus as the Bridegroom King. I see it at work, on the streets and everywhere.
Every time I questioned the Lord about my own hopelessness he said led me to these verses:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
“Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.
Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matthew 5:5-12)
Every time I read these verses I got stuck on ‘blessed are you/those’…and it made me think and question…why would he say this to me? Then one day it hit me ‘Blessed are those who know Jesus’… It just hit me that even in the trials of my life…I am blessed. The more I prayed these verses…asking God to make this a part of my emotions, my mind and my lifestyle…the more this truth has strengthened in my heart. As I asked God and cried about the pain in my heart…the cry of ‘Jesus you are beautiful’ strengthened. My life has not gotten better as such… I still am battling with finances and just random other things…yet my restraint have returned. I have been refreshed with the hope of Jesus. The truth that I am blessed in Christ, even when I physically see my life manifest the opposite…has become a part of who I am. I have gained a deeper violence in my spirit…it is like I am relentless in seeing the goodness of Jesus…even in this dry life.
When I find myself in this place (which I still am in) I gird my legs and I stand. I agree with the word of truth (I search the scriptures to find what it says regarding my situation)…even through my tears I cry aloud ‘Jesus you are beautiful’, I agree with his heart…because the grass withers and fades…this life will fade…but eternity waits for me to join in with the sound of heaven saying ‘Jesus you are beautiful’. So for now…I set my gaze and my heart on that truth…so that the sound of heaven may touch the earth and touch my life…for now and forever.
Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain.
And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together, for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”
A voice says, “Cry!” And I said, “What shall I cry?” All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades when the breath of the LORD blows on it; surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever. (Isaiah 40:4-8)
‘…and day and night they never cease to say, “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!” (Revelation 4:8)
The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of bones.
And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry.
And he said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” And I answered, “O Lord GOD, you know.”
Then he said to me, “Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD. (Ezekiel 37:1-4)