It has almost been a month since my last post. A part of me sits here typing not sure what will flow from my heart today. So today I start off with the question deep within my soul ‘what am I chasing?’
If anything I am more aware of how we waste life on trivial things. Our lives are inundated with ‘making it big’…getting our big break, chasing the wind. What are we chasing? We have such deep longings for more, we thirst and are satisfied temporarily with the broken cisterns. We gear our lifestyles towards this pattern of self inflicted preservation. We evade the truth of our brokenness only to numb the pains of our heart with the facades of success.
Day unto day we chase and run and reach for things that only carve a gaping hole in our souls. If anything I have found when I have nothing I am most satisfied. In the nothingness of my life I am forced to face the lack within my own heart…when I have nothing I am faced with accusations. In those moments I am forced to look and see who I truly am. When I am stripped of the things I made myself to be. When my social media self is stripped of the facade and it is just me, Jesus and my brokenness. Those are the moments that define who I am before the Lord…when my heart is exposed and all my deceitfulness lies at his feet. In those painful moments of not being able to stuff the pain with things that make me feel better…I feel the strength of his embrace…the goodness of the Lord overwhelms me.
In those moments of absolute nothingness, I feel the burn of the light of my Lord. I feel the intensity of how pure he is compared to my wretchedness. I feel the etchings of the truth… ‘The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever‘… the Lord is clean and pure and he longs for my heart to become that way. When I have nothing in my life that distracts me from the cravings in my heart, I am able to feel the beauty of refinement. For the Lord longs for a heart that is set upon loving him alone, a heart that is pure and a heart that is ready to spend an eternity loving him. Jesus will always be for my heart and it is his mercy alone that allows me to find him in my down and out moments. If only I would embrace the nothingness more often…there it is that I find the only form of satisfaction
One of my biggest struggles in life is that I feel like I will always be alone. All my life I had been different to my siblings and my friends. Being a ‘late bloomer’ like my parents would joke, I was always last in line to be picked as the perfect date. Often being faced with the lies of ‘it will never happen for me’. I was often the girl that went to youth because I genuinely loved the Lord and wanted more… but the rejection of my peers often left me with the lingering accusation that if you choose the Lord you will be alone in life. So my journey into binge drinking and partying started. Literally trying to find myself in every glass and every bottle. If only I was more like this, perhaps I would be liked more. Even now with my heart being stirred, I find that I hold out on the Lord…because I fear the rejection. I fear that I would be left with the gaping hole of nothing and I would need to pick up the pieces like I did as a child and teenager.
The beauty of the Lord is this ‘The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple’ . When I ponder this phrase I am reminded that the truth about Jesus return is sure…it is fact. When I align my heart to find this truth I start experiencing this reality. When I embrace the fearful place of having nothing, being nothing I start to find something…I find truth. The truth being that even if I am alone in this phase of my life, even if I am alone in my pursuit of the Lord…I will never be alone. I will be with the Lord for all eternity. When I set my gaze on this truth, I am truly satisfied and able to continue on my journey of pursuing Jesus wholeheartedly. It allows me to soberly make decisions in my lifestyle that allows me to live as one who is a citizen of the New Jerusalem. I guess what I am trying to grasp and cling onto is this truth:
Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God… (Revelation 21:2-3)
The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever.” (Isaiah 40:8)
Some days I pray and ask God to help me see what Paul saw, that I may count everything in my life as nothing because I have seen the ONE THING that fully satisfies. I long to see truth more and more each day. I long to be set free of the things which keep me bound to fear. More than anything I am tired of living my life chasing the wind. I want to make my time matter…and by that I want to live each day choosing to love God and allow his love to wash over me. In every moment and situation I want a heart that is humble and willing to embrace the pain…unto embracing the transformation by the grace of Jesus. I long to love wholeheartedly and trust that the Lord loves me wholeheartedly in return. I desire to live in the place of Jesus’s love and I long to love fearlessly without restraint.
I will be embarking on a time of fasting and praying. If you feel moved or led to pray for me, I would greatly appreciate your support. I trust that this journey would lead my heart into a deeper intimacy with the Lord. If you would like to comment, leave me an encouraging word or felt moved by this blog entry…feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.