So again it has been a while since my last blog entry. So many things have been stirring in my heart. Right now my heart is a well of desires, untapped desires, stagnant desires and new burning desires. What I have come to realize is this: ‘a desire remains just that, unless it becomes an action of faith’. And this dear friends is how today’s blog will begin. A desire is a fragile notion in our hearts that is moved beyond the confines of the ‘idea realm’ as we listen to the voice of God. As we feel the internal groans of our souls and dialogue with God about it all.
In the heart of every human being burns desires for something magnificent, something great. We all desire to do things that make our hearts come alive…yet so many of us live that truth only in the confines of our imagination. My desires are often crazy and unfathomable to the human mind, but they are mine…uniquely Deidre (insert your own name). No one will ever think the things I do, long for the things I do…yes there will always be similar interests, but not similar desires. These are the fires kindling in our soul…placed there by the Lord.
The kind of desire I speak of is not the ‘ I want that curling wand or i want that dream job kind’…it is the deep yearnings of the soul. For example the biggest longing I have ever had is the idea (I cannot believe I am typing this) of setting the world alight with colour…the colour flowing from the music in my mouth. I once watched a Coke advert on TV and this girl walked the street singing ‘I’d like to by the world a home and furnish is with love’ and as she did this she was handing out a bottle of Coke to everyone, brightening their day. I remember feeling that delight with her…as she was changing the world one bottle at a time. As trivial as that idea seems, I long to change the world through music, through worship…I long to be one who voices the heart of God the father and Jesus the bridegroom.
I long to be a voice, just like John the baptist… and I long to know the truth of being that voice, just like John the beloved. John the baptist and John the beloved knew Jesus in different ways. John the baptist knew Jesus as the savior and he knew that he was the voice before the savior of this world. John the baptist knew a) who he was and b)why he did what he did. People looked at him as being a crazy man because he spent so much of his time in the wilderness. Yet he did just that because he longed for the voice of truth that kindled the fire that burned within him. John the beloved knew Jesus as his best friend. He often referred to himself as the one that Jesus loved. This guy spent so much time with the Lord that he had an etching of the love of Jesus on his heart. His books drip with the fragrance of the love of Jesus. Two different men…one thing in common, they knew and loved Jesus.
John the baptist says of himself:
Then they said to him, “Who are you, that we may give an answer to those who sent us? What do you say about yourself?”
He said: “I am
‘The voice of one crying in the wilderness:
“Make straight the way of the Lord,”’
as the prophet Isaiah said.”
John the beloved says of himself:
Now there was leaning on Jesus’ bosom one of His disciples, whom Jesus loved. (john 13:23)
They both had profound voices that shaped the history of the world…yet they were voices who listened. They waited and stayed close to the Lord. Until the time that they were meant to fulfill their assignment on earth. I am sure if I pulled one of their journals I would see line upon line speaking of their personal desires and groans to be with Jesus. In the intimacy of those moments inclining their ears and positioning their hearts to just hear his voice. Filling their hearts with truth and speaking those truths back to the Lord. I am sure there were even wrestles of ‘when Lord?’ ‘When shall I go and do what you desire me to do?’…in those moments they cultivated an ear that heard the Lord, like a channel to their throats, uttering the truth boldly.
When they finally emerged from that place they were unstoppable…not even death could deter these men. Hearts a blazed they did what they were called to do and took no names 🙂 Heeding to no one but Jesus….his voice mattered, even when people persecuted them and thought them to be crazy. I find myself in that very place right now…the place of having desires. The place of wanting to be a voice of change…but God is tugging on my heart to come away into a place of listening. It irks me a little sometimes because I am a ‘doer’ by nature, the hands on fix things kind of girl. Yet he reminds me that his leadership in my life is perfect and where he leads there is water of life and rest for my soul.
I am the good shepherd; and I know My sheep, and am known by My own. (John 10:14)
My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. (John 10:27)
No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. (John 15:15)
I always use this statement, but it really resonates in my heart. I want to be like Mary who sat at the feet of Jesus, being fascinated by who he is. Being engrossed in his beauty and Majesty …just loving him and enjoying him. Mary understood Jesus enjoyed her and therefore she enjoyed his company so much. She knew that in those moments of listening she found her voice. She grasped the worth of Jesus…that was it, the only phrase she ever needed to understand ‘He is worthy to be loved wholeheartedly’ – the only utterance of her existence is that of a lady pouring out a crapping expensive bottle of perfume on a man who was about to die…why? Because the statement that spoke louder than her actions was that Jesus is worthy and she is willing to be despised by man because she found the worth of THE MAN.
How I long to be that voice of love and intimacy I long for melodies of hope and love to drip from my lips. I long for a voice of power, that echoes the beauty of this man…but to be a voice I must be one who is willing to take a moment out of my life and sit still listening first. So this phase of my life I choose to step back and quiet my heart, waiting to hear the only voice that matters, the voice of the one my hearts longs after.