Change is good…especially when you become more of who you are, because you realize who Jesus within you is. This morning while listening to some prophetic worship by Jason Upton, I was reminded of the fact that I have changed. I have changed because of the waves that came crashing over my life. Waves of fear, rejection, abandonment and worthlessness. Yet the tidal wave of Jesus’ affection is what swept me off my feet and to this place called change.
My good friend Bianca, reminded me of this truth a while back when she wrote me an encouraging note. She reminded me of this extract from a book she is reading and it says: he desires that you allow his waves and billows of affection to crash over you, leading you to new heights of love and compelling you to let your light shine before men – extract from A cry for Justice by Shelley Hundley
This phase or season of my life seems like an endless wave…constant change upon change. More than anything I am able to ride this wave (like the surfer I long to be), and revisited the faithfulness of the Lord. I am also thankful to see the change that has taken place. Instead of seeing the wave I am reminded of the change. With every wave in my life thus far I was convinced it would crash over me and I would be done for, now I look back and smile…because those waves have shown me who I truly am and how God has given me the grace to overcome.
Typing this blog I smile because I am no longer that fearful girl I once was, but rather a woman who is little more resilient and a bride ravished by the bridegroom who has carried her heart through every moment. So today I would like to share 2 or 3 moments and hopefully cast some hope your way:
1. THE WAVE OF THE UNKNOWN:
I love singing and I love writing. So being a musician has always been my dream…writing my own worship music is where I am headed eventually. I remember a time when I was so fearful of singing… I was literally shaking in my boots. I was in 2 ministries at my local church and had to eventually decide…it was either children’s ministry (which I dearly loved) or worship. It came at a time when my world was burnt out, my life seemed super messy. I was at the end of my tether and needed to break free. I took the leap, not being sure if this would be the right step. I remember feeling terrified and having to deal with disappointing people and hurting friendships in the process. More than anything having to walk away from the approval of others. Then I bought a keyboard and started plonking on. Today I regret the process of hurting people and cutting ties, but I am grateful that Jesus prompted me to. I have successfully written many poems, I wrote 3 songs and found myself immersed in music and worship. The moments of finding healing in my heart, with my bible and my music…made it so much better. I look back and see the benefits of riding that wave into the unknown…into the arms of my Jesus. I am hardly a musician extraordinaire but I have discovered I am meant to sing, meant to worship and that Jesus enjoys my voice…even when I do it in the secret place. I now sing my heart out and I enjoy the fact that I am no longer terrified!
Lesson learnt: He leads me into the unknown, because in the secret places of my heart he really enjoys me. “O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.” (Song of Solomon 2:14)
2. THE WAVE OF LETTING GO:
I am a romantic at heart…the kind that finds ‘the one’, marries him and lives happily ever after. By age 22 my life was headed just there….four years later and I am not there at all. Sometimes in life we are to let go of the things we dearly cling to and the painful transition blurs our vision. If anything I have come to realize that God loves the process. So here I am 26 years old, alive and kicking the heck out of life. I have had many painful nights of being lonely…feeling unsure of what I did. Seeing the entire world pass me by…watching my best friend hook up and get married…being a total party pooper (thank goodness for Bianca’s patience) and nearly blowing my friendship because I had issues about my break up. In the moment of catching that wave I was taken on the journey of a lifetime. Those painful moments caused me to cling for dear life to Jesus. The harsh reality of losing what looks like my all… has lead me down the path of finding my all. I am not super woman… I still yearn for marriage and I see my friends get married and most days I still feel the sting of it not being me. As single girl at my age…people start making those ‘settle down’ comments. Yet I am grateful and content deep within, that Jesus leadership is perfect and his timing more so. He has lead me thus far…valleys low and mountains high…dreadful waves and all. Now I sit on that beach waiting to catch that scary wave and ride it into the arms of my husband… until then, there is no harm in getting tan on!
Lesson Learnt: His leadership is perfect: His mouth is most sweet, yes, he is altogether lovely.
This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem! (Song of Solomon 5:10)
So I only shared 2 moments, those being 2 of the most impacting changes in my life. I am changed because I chose to ride the wave. Like most things in life I could have allowed those waves to crash over me and overwhelm me, but Jesus knew I am a surfer at heart and instead he taught me the skills of riding the wave. In his embrace I am safe…he is safe.
How precious is Your loving kindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings. They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house, and You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures. (Psalm 36:7-8)