It has been two weeks since my last post, two weeks of major learning. Life is busy and it is in the business of life that we lose our focus and we lose ourselves. The endless journey of yes, no and I am done…followed by whispers of grace saying ‘you can’. The Lord is so faithful, I cannot even begin to understand him. I find myself overwhelmed by his patience, love and commitment to my weak frame. The endless journey of mercy and grace. So this week I am just going to rant and let loose the words in my heart. If it sounds all over the place… it is because I am still all over the place on this matter. I just needed to let it all out!
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. (1 Peter 1:3-4)
If ever anything in the bible described the internal dialogue in my heart, these verses above would be it. Praise be to Jesus, for he has loved me even before my existence; to such an extent that he loves me for all of my existence. He truly is my living hope, the only hope of my life. I have had many bad days, days filled with sin and lustful thinking, yet in those weak moments I find that the truth of holiness screams louder than the voices of condemnation. To me that resonates the truth that I have been raised to a real inheritance, one that is tangible and kept for me. An inheritance hidden deeply in the heart of Jesus. It is only the mercy of the Lord that brings this hope into my soul…when I am down and gutted, he reminds me his mercy endures forever. More than that he reminds me that he delights in showing me mercy because he enjoys me in the process of being more like him.
The journey of grace and mercy is the road to eternity. It is the truth of an undefiled God hidden in the heart of a silly girl. Most days I look in the mirror and find myself with the deep question…why Lord? Why would you love me, carry me or even bother. Then he gently tugs my heart and reminds me that he is unlike anything I will ever know. Even in those moments he looks at me and says, you are of me, and I desire you to know that. A love incomprehensible, a love so real it is seen in the cracks of my broken state. A love that is able to take the broken and use it as a vessel to heal the broken. I have such deep struggles yet he fully entrusts me with his heart… how is this?
My heart is daily reminded that he keeps my inheritance within his hand, he has kept my inheritance in his hands all of my days. Even in the days when I cursed him, shunted him and filled my void with my destructive behavior. Now the journey is knowing that he is the only one who fully satisfies the craving in my being. As I reach to other things I find that he holds onto me in a deeper manner, that the deep guilt I feel in my brokenness are whispers of the changed person I truly am. The faint cries of hope, breaks through the darkness of my soul and revives me to believe again. His banner over my life truly is love, a love like no other. Really a love deeper than the love of a husband… a love that transcends the face of this world. A desire to be loved fully anchors my heart to Jesus.
For the first time on this journey, my heart has been changed into one that truly cries come Lord Jesus come! As I cry this I am broken by the state of depravity around me. Most days I weep, not because I care, but because he gives me a heart that cares. He shares his heart with me, and as the journey of grace continues…he extends mercy so that I can extend mercy. Mercy transformed me completely (and I have a lot of growing and change to do)…I am no longer the same girls I was 5 years ago. I am Deidre Mackenna, a broken girl bought at an expense that no man could ever pay, brought into the identity of a bride. A Jewish man paid my dowry and brought me back to who I truly am. I am his beloved one, and I know now more than before that I will see him. The traces of change in my life leave my heart marked with a knowing (one I would never be able to verbalize) that I am on a journey one that will take me into the heart of the bridegroom.
So as I fall off my horse and out of my carriage, I dust myself off and wipe my tears and I keep going. In moments of being deeply injured I disinfect my psyche with the word and I wait to be carried on the crutches of his spirit. Holding onto his mercy and grace for dear life. I saddle my horse and I ride on…this is the endless journey of love. I embrace the ride because I desire more than anything to meet this beautiful man whom my souls is learning to love. A man who continues to love me so well.
One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. (Psalm 27:4)