Devoid of self

I like writing, I like coffee… I love Jesus, enough said…. as I said I like writing so that is not where this blog ends. This week has been challenging… I am reminded of the song lyrics by Laura Hackett that goes: ‘Hallelujah, trials and testing prove there’s gold’. I am in a place with myself where I am fully aware of my lack of self. I am nothing in and of myself, I have no strength to be anything in and of myself.

Images soured by flickr.com

Images soured by flickr.com

Tough places produce the deepest thoughts…those thoughts that either make or break you as a person. Most days I find myself at that breaking point, then as though I am about to faint (and be consumed by my life)…the Father lays his hand upon my heart and draws me nearer. It is in that place of drawing close that I find true peace. The only place of truth. Being back in my life, has been a strange transition. Feeling utterly alone…almost foreign, most days. Yet being drawn into a place of belonging, a place where all I am is myself and that is accepted.

Living outside that place is always to the detriment of myself. I labor to find rest and I rest to labor. The ebb and flow of grace. The secret place of my quiet time with God proves to be gold right now. I have come to see my life as a vessel, one with cracks and small holes. As I fill myself with the truth of who I am, the truth of the man Jesus who loves me, UNCONDITIONALLY (with out fail, even when my sin is like a noose around my neck)… it seeps through the cracks of my life. Life has cracked me and will continue to chip away at my being. I was created to be full, and the cracks of life has left me with places that seep.

So I constantly need to fill myself, so that a) there is enough wine in my vessel to keep me filled and b) that there is enough wine in my vessel to be poured out unto filling cups. Cups that can hold the love of the father, drawing the hearts of the fatherless. The mercy of the Lord is so great that as wine seeps from the cracks of my life it allows those who are disregarded the opportunity  to drink. The wine that seeps out from my life is the wine the rejected, abandoned and broken get to drink. If not chipped I would be the ‘perfect vessel’ in an imperfect world… created to be like this world, but not destined to be of this world. Now I get why Jesus had to be a man. So that I could drink from his mercy and grace. Through the gaping wounds of his flesh flowed the wine of love…on which the foundation of my existence rests.

You see I was one of those rejected by society…drinking from the cracks of the only worthy vessel. Now I have a cup and I am worthy of drinking his wine…filling my vessel so that others too can taste the goodness of the Lord.

* I wrote this piece to remind myself that I have a void that will never be fully satisfied in this age, in moments of weakness I need to keep drinking of his love and mercy:

Devoid

The void in my soul

The gaping hole in the depths of who I am

Easy it is, to stuff the void

Filling it with empty dreams

Empty promises…

Shallow desires…

Temporary pleasures…

Living from euphoria to euphoria

Chasing the dream…

Living hell…

Fixated on the next fix

 

The void in my soul

The gaping hole in the depths of who I am…

Soon the realization hits me

Dissatisfaction lingers

The bitter remains of my shallow self

Devoid of morals

Devoid of ethics

Devoid of values

Devoid of self…

Lustfully clinging to nothing

 

The void in my soul

The gaping hole in the depths of who I am

Lingers on…

Moment after moment

Growing deeper and deeper

I am void, created to be filled

Created to be fully satisfied

To be satisfied by

The only One found worthy

 

The Lamb seated upon the throne

The man slain so that I could have more

The man slain for the sake of love

So that I have more to live for

Than meaningless euphoria

I am a void, created for eternal pleasure

Created for the fullness of satisfaction…

 

Now I am a void, drinking from the cup of the Lamb

His cup overflows with the sweetest of wine

Finer than the euphoric existence of this life

For His love is better than wine

Intoxicated with the revelation of my eternal existence

Fixated on the next drink…

I have tasted…

And I have seen that the He is good

Better than anything this world has to offer.

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