So here I am sitting typing away in the sunny world of Cape Town. Today is a another day in my life, yet this day is like no other. There is a deeper groan within me for more of Jesus. However my emotions need to grasp that this is relationship is just like the natural ones I see around me… it requires labor and endurance.
Being back home has been rough…the internship is over, I miss IHOPKC and I am struggling to find myself in the business of festivities and the holiday rush. Being amongst family, friends and noise has made me want to scream to say the least. So as the days went by, it became filled with ‘Merry vibes’ and visits…leaving little to no time for solid Jesus time.
The familiar environment has left me wanting to fall back into the routine of life…the lazy culture grabbing onto my heart. All I wanted to do was veg out and laze my days away. Can I just say the Lord is faithful even when we are so unfaithful in every way…he is faithful to love and is patient like no other. His nature is unaffected by our circumstances, sin or lack of commitment to him. It still breaks my heart to think about how much he really does love me. So here I am lying awake at like 3am bawling my eyes out at having to be in the noise of life and not being able to hear Jesus speak as loudly as he did in the times of being in the prayer room…as I lie there in the silence of the night hours a gentle impression hits my heart….the simple phrase ‘Deidre, abide in me’. So I know where that phrase stems from:
Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. – John 15:4-5
In that very moment he speaks to me so tenderly and says…this is what life really is..it is busy and chaotic and full of things fighting for your attention and affections. Yet you have spent 5 months getting to know me…and you know who I am and how I feel…so abide in my truth…apart from me you cannot make it. For the first time in my life those words ring true. I have nothing in this life but Jesus and if I do not daily hold onto his word my heart will fail.
More than anything I am in a place of having to physically lift myself up and press past my desire to be lazy, veg out and press into truth. We get to know someone’s nature by spending time to get to know them and often it is easier said than done. I know my best friend because we spend so much time speaking and having random coffee dates and being ourselves around each other. More than anything the desire to know Jesus has been sparked in my heart in a real way…a way that says ‘I need to fight for what is mine’… My beloved is mine and his desires are for me…so I need to align mine to that reality.
Today while having my quiet time I was reading Matthew 25, the parable of the ten virgins. Basically these ladies had to meet the bridegroom and wait for him to have a wedding feast with him. So five of them brought extra oil to wait through the night hours and when he came they were ready as apposed to those who were not ready. I started crying because I want to be one who is ready to meet Jesus and the only thing that would break my heart more than anything (yes more than the rejection of a man) is THE MAN rejecting me as he comes back to ransom his bride. The phrase that hurts my heart the most is: But he replied, Truly I tell you, I don’t know you. Just thinking about that makes me cry…. I cannot imagine staring Jesus in his eyes, and him saying those words to me. I want to know him now…so that when I see him there is a face behind the voice I already know now. I don’t want to meet him on that day and not know his nature and character and things about him. I have this grace now to partner with Holy Spirit into the deep things of who he is… I need to make time for this relationship wherever I find myself.
What grace it is that he still speaks to me (in the wee hours of the morning)…he still places a deep yearning in my soul for more…and now I need to go and buy oil each day… breathing and only focusing on today, because tomorrow his grace will sustain me again.