Finding his ‘yes’ in the ‘no’

As this One Thing internship draws to an end my heart is filled with so much sadness and so much joy. The realization that I have grown and matured in so many facets of myself amazes me, yet my heart yearns for the day I walked into this place, just so i can have each day over again. I would do nothing different, I merely long for the experience to linger on.

Image by favspotting, source flickr.com

Image by favspotting, source flickr.com

So this brings me to today’s blog entry and also my final entry from Kansas City Missouri. Allow me to just reflect on the most valuable lesson I have learned here and the one I will probably be learning throughout my life. The beautiful and painful lesson of finding the ‘yes’ even in the moments when life says ‘no’. The biggest area of this for me has been and will be the area of worth. This has shown itself over and over in my life…in the smallest of forms to the biggest scream from my painful heart.

The truth in life is (and I accredit this statement to my wise older sister Delmary) that life will always be painful, yet we pick ourselves up (by the grace of God) and we keep moving forward. Through my days here at the base it has been the most intimate journey with God in my life. The moments when life threw me a huge curve ball and I had no one to cry with or hold me (which my friend Bianca faithfully did)… all I had was my tears, my prayers and Jesus. It has been in those deeply secret moments with the Lord that I started hearing the faint whispers of they ‘yes’. Many of those moments are so deeply intimate that I would never share them with anyone…but the thought of knowing he knows my deepest thoughts and pains yet loves me the same way each day.

That someone could know me so well, see my dark frame and still say ‘yes my desire is for you’. When the world looks at me, rejects me and regards me as less worthy of its attention, time and love. I have come to see the beginnings of the truth being etched onto my being I am my beloved’s,
And his desire is toward me (Song of Solomon 7:10). Even in my weak state of being teary eyed and deeply broken, I find the strength to grab my bible…read this phrase aloud and thank Jesus for this truth. As I have started doing this I have literally seen how my resistance toward feeling the ‘no’ being transformed into the yes. I am human and I feel the sting of the rejection and feeling less worthy…yet more than anything something within me screams ‘YES i am worthy! YES I am beautiful’. More than anything I am convinced it is the holy spirit guiding my heart into the truth.

I have the right to feel the sting and the emotions, yet I also have the right to not be bound by those emotions. Jesus died so that I can be free from the hurt of this broken world. Daily it is a walk of reminding myself that I am able to be free from the dread and hurt inflicted by a broken society. More than anything in the private place of my heart I have come to quiet my emotions aknowledge the hurt of the ‘no’ and speak the truth that more than anything he says ‘yes’… ‘yes I love you, not like this world’…’yes I see your deepest pains and I cry with you’…’yes you will too look back on this day and see how this has changed you’… the list is endless. I have such an amazing father and bridegroom king who loves me and holds my hand each day. One whom I find in the secret place of my heart who washes my soul in the truth of his love daily.

Here is a random piece I wrote on the story of my life God writes daily:

My life tells the story of grace

Once upon a time,

There was, is and always will be

A father seated on a throne

Above the circle of the earth

Fully satisfied in all He is and forever will be

The author and finisher of eternity

Lacking nothing…yet desiring me

And that is how my story begins…

 

Before the foundations of the earth

The concept of my story unfolds

Every plot, Each nuance

Held together by the simple phrase ‘I desire’

The very phrase structuring each sentence of my life

Building each chapter of my existence

Every chapter in my book soaked in the incense of love

 

The sound of heaven’s type writer ringing through my days

Chapter heading upon chapter heading screaming grace

Like a fervent writer God burns the midnight oil

Toiling over the next paragraph

Pedantic about the details on every page

 

Divine adjectives describing all I am

All I am meant to be and all I will become

The verbs of a bridegroom redeeming every moment

Every event and every situation

The nouns in my book, are placed in my life

With precise reasoning and motive

Indexing each important part of my journey

 

Every tragedy transformed into a romantic gesture

A gesture of love, compassion and mercy

Dramatically fashioning the intricacies of my days

Every second, hour, day, month and year

Held together in his hand,

The ink of his eternal passion marks the pages

Of my life forever resonating the truth

Through all my days…the  constant theme

I am desired

 

The story of life written by the uncreated

Who became the created, the hero of this novel

I am the sleeping beauty receiving the kiss of mercy

Awakening my being to grace and eternity

Shifting the fiction of my shallow existence into

The non fictitious destiny of salvation and redemption

 

The story of my life unfolds, day by day

Each day held together by the simple phrase ‘I desire’

The fragrant story of my life

Fashioned even before the beginning of time

The once upon a time epic novel

Ending in the only happily every after

The author of my life… He is my beginning and my end.

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