2 Corinthians 4: 7-9
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. 8 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed
As I sit here typing I am reminded of the phrase ‘Jesus you are beautiful’… this is my only hope in life. The only reality that will sustain my heart through every trial and testing in my life… the fact of the matter is that life will grow gravely dark and I need to grab onto the fullness of that man. He needs to become a reality to me. The past few days have been rough… I am in the midst of such a difficult time in my life. I feel like I am at a huge crossroad, I have a desire for the path I want to take (as utterly confusing as it seems to the rest of the people in my life I know this is the right choice for my life) BUT I am very afraid. To make matters worse I am severely homesick, my ankle is in pain and I am just not getting any breakthrough in my finances.
All the above mentioned problems are the least of my worries I have come to find. My heart being grounded in the love of Jesus seems to be somewhat shaky. The bitter-sweet unveiling of my hearts true state has been really challenging. Oh how the pride in my heart masks the true offense lurking in the crevices of my soul…and then when the poop hits the fan…all is revealed. I am always prone to walk away and be like…’oh Lord you are so good’ when in fact my entire being screams ‘I AM SO OFFENDED AT YOU RIGHT NOW!’ So this week Jesus grabbed a hold of my heart and made me sit down and dialogue with him pertaining to my offense on so many levels. The beauty of the all-knowing genius that God is, is the fact that He already knows and he just wants me to know as well. In an instant I was so aware of the state of how angry and offended I was at the Lord…how I needed him to heal my ankle, break in with financial provision, and after countless times of praying and no change in essence, my heart was really offended. So many accusations arose from within me…that I was offended at me being offended. The most heart-wrenching fact is that above all else Jesus loves me…he does not care about my offense he only cares about getting me through the place of offense so that I am not hindered from loving him the way he loves me. The safest place of love and devotion i have ever had and will have for all of my existence (which is a long time…FYI).
He is committed to bring me forth in love regardless of how that will look. The faint voice inside me grows stronger as I lay hold of the nature of Jesus. The more my heart is opened to him, the more he reveals his desire towards me. He is my only hope and where ever I find myself in life…if I do not lay hold of truth I will never stand. I want to be rooted and grounded in steadfast love, therefore I want to be shaken and stirred now…cultivating a heart that chooses to love. A heart that chooses to look at the offense and still cry ‘JESUS YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!’ I need to get it engraved on my heart that Jesus is coming and I need to prepare myself to be able to handle the gravity of his return. I never want to seek him just because I can be healed, have bucks and move in ministry. Those are all valid desires, but I never want that to be the reason I seek after Jesus. The little love (and ability to love) I have is only by grace (I love because he loved me first and now enables me to love)…and I want to partner in growing my heart in love. More than anything, when I see Jesus one day (and I will) I want to know that I have loved him more than anything I can ever gain from him. More so I want to know for sure that he really is enough to sustain me through every thing I go through…through everything I am and am not. I am always reminded of Corey Russell’s statement he made once, he said: ‘I want to be a voice and not an echo’. To be a voice requires me to experience the love of Jesus and to find a statement about him that rings true in my soul… I don’t want to be a parrot that reiterates everything someone else says and not understand a word of it. More than anything I want to be that voice in the darkest parts of the world that screams out with conviction: ‘Jesus you are beautiful, you are enough…you are enough!
So now I sit here with my foot in the air…ankle paining, low on bucks…still holding my head high and silencing the enemy with the simple statement ‘Jesus you are enough!’
1 Peter 1: 3-8
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, 5 who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, 8 whom having not seen[a] you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, 9 receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.