it has literally been ages since I wrote my last entry. My lack of words has been a result of a heart stunned by the lack of everything in my life. I literally felt the sting of knowing nothing…knowing that I am nothing. By grace I am able to sit here typing, not quite sure what will flow from my fingers.
The last few weeks have been a journey of studying the humility of Jesus (can I just say I have no knowledge of how humble Jesus really is), what I do know is that I want to be like that guy. I want to reflect the meekness he has so deeply displayed so that I may have the freedom of life. I live because he CHOSE to die…in every form of himself. The words that have been hitting my heart of late are:
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. (Matthew 5:5)
Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus,who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God,but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bond-servant, and coming in the likeness of men. (Phillipians 2:5-7)
Of all the amazing qualities of God, Christ displayed the humility of the uncreated God. Think about it for a moment this God of glory and magnificence: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made.In Him was life, and the life was the light of men (John 1:1-4) became a man…became a man! Became flesh…dwelt on the face of this earth…so that he could take upon himself the shame, disgust, filth and gravity of the sin we currently live in. Knowing fully that we would not choose him…we would spit in his face, walk over his mercy and blame him for everything wrong in society…he CHOSE to become a man. Restraining himself from being fully God…so that nations could murder him, mock him and deny him. Why? Because he loves us…and that is who he is. HE LOVES ME…the great I AM loves me…me…a broken girl growing up in a broken world…he saw me…he loved me even in the moments I hated him.
Jesus’ humility blows my mind. I am so easy to get offended by the smallest of things…like not growing up in a comfortable home…not having a comfy job, or good clothes. That is nothing compared to the extent to which Christ laid down his life. I am left feeling the fullness of my nothingness. I am reminded of an encounter I had (worshiping in my quiet time), I just felt this impression of myself sitting at this banqueting table. As i sit there I am in awe of the vast spread of food before my eyes…and immediately I feel the shameful sting of the rags I am wearing for clothes. I start to weep uncontrollably…feeling so unworthy. In that moment I feel the warmth of a hand on my back and the words ‘you are worthy because I am worthy’. I am reminded of the verse in Song of Solomon that says he brings me to his banqueting table and his banner over me is love. I am so aware of the fact that I have made it into the Kingdom of God…I am in…there is nothing going to change that. Jesus has made this possible… I AM IN.
The truth of it all is beautiful…yet I am starting to feel the desire for others to make it into his kingdom as well. The ‘what now’ is starting to hit my heart. I find myself sitting in class one day and asking the question..so Lord what are you teaching me? He then whispers…blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth. What do you mean? I almost feel him saying ‘Humility my love, humility’…if you get this virtue…you get the fullness of who I am as a man and as a King. Taking the lowest place before the world, before the church, before your friends…being a servant of all. The laying down of what you desire…and taking on my yoke…because it is a much easier burden to bear. I remember thinking ‘but why?’ Then is dawns upon me…if only I knew what I was made for. I was made for an eternal city and that everything I need and desire are within the walls of that city. If I was created in the image of Jesus (which I am – Genesis 1:26-27) then surely I am meant to live like I am.
Sometimes the talk is easier than the walk…wait let me rephrase that….the talk is WAY easier. The funny thing is Jesus knew that. Just reading about him washing the feet of Peter… I find glimpses of myself in Peter. I am like ‘yes Lord I will go anywhere…do anything’ yet when it comes to this topic I fail so much. Jesus knows…he knows…and probably smiles and at me every time I cry about laying it all down for the benefit of someone else taking the higher place before me. The more I do that the easier it becomes…and it starts in the little things like not being judgmental of someone’s weakness and struggles. Not being offended when I am not affirmed about something I feel I need affirmation for. Being okay with not being the best…or noticed. It is okay to feel the sting in our hearts…we are human… I have found that being real in those moments are what allow me to go back and try again. I come before my father in heaven and I bawl my eyes out…and I acknowledge the extent of my lack…and that is all he wants. He knows I am not able to be humble all the time…but he loves that I try, even in my weakness. The more I fail…the more I discover about his heart toward me. The more I fail, the more I grow…and I know I won’t ever be Jesus…all I can do is aim to be like Christ…in order for his glory to be seen and hopefully lead people deeper into the heart of Jesus.
Life is tough and it will most likely get even more difficult. It is therefore so important that we feed ourselves on the truth of who this man is. I am not at all at the place of being humble, but I felt the need to share the little I know and the little I hold onto in the storms of my life. This verse has inspired me to keep going…day in, day out:
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So then death is working in us, but life in you (2 Corinthians 4:7-12).