Today is just some new ramblings of deep things stirring in my heart. This week has been an intense journey of old wounds being opened. Allow me to explain a little. I have this deep deep deep desire to be married, yes I said the ‘M’ word again. Can I just again state that wanting to be married is a legitimate desire that every human (often woman) has the right to have… I however have been trying to mask my deep cry in my heart with a substitute reality. This week I decided to ask the ‘why’ as opposed to ‘how can I just get that guy out of my head.’ So I took the stance of ‘Father what are trying to show me about the state of my heart’…boy if you don’t really want an answer…DON’T ASK… God will answer if you ask. So midway through a devotional worship set, I sit there bawling my eyes out…at the faint whispers of ‘you need strength to face the loneliness left by rejection, isolation and abandonment’… wanting someone to fight for me… I desire that shield of safety a male figure would provide…that deep sense of safety from the harsh reality of the world (you girls know what I mean right?).
Men are created in the very image of God…possessing that innate strength of the creator. Now I am sitting with this gaping hole in my heart at the realization that I am deeply wounded by just being the last person picked for the team (not literally). Always baring the brunt of people’s words and silently enduring the pain…accompanied by many nights of silent whimpers in the darkness of my room. Tears no one ever saw…to this day feeling the warm tears streaming down my cheeks…the muffled deep groans in my soul. Those nights turned into a heart that became strong and ‘keeping it together’… masked by the facade that I don’t need a man, I don’t need people to validate me… while all the time needing a man so deeply to hold me, to feel safe and loved. What I failed to realize is that there was a man all along…wiping my tears and holding me in that dark place. I was never alone even though I felt completely alone in those moments…Jesus was weeping with me.
Being in this space of knowing I have a wound has left me with the deep cry of ‘how do I move from this place?’. The sad reality is that I want to run as far from this place in my life and move into instant healing…for some that is the case. For me however it is a daily journey of saying ‘yes’…yes to resting in the truth of my Father. Last night I had such an amazing encounter of joy and love…that has fueled my heart to keep saying yes. There is a man who loved me even before the foundations of this earth. The more I say yes…the more I receive the fullness of his truth in my heart. It is a daily walk of accepting truth and filling my mind with truth. Moving my heart into the secret place of love…where only God sees the depths of my wounds…and where he is able to anoint my heart with his love…so I can eventually love again with all my heart.
I love to write and I see that this is a gift that God has given me. If I fail to write I fail to offer more of me (which I daily need to say yes to as well). I know soon I will have enough strength to share my heart in song as I deeply desire to do. Here goes, enjoy:
Loving my wounds by Deidre Mackenna
Deep within I hold onto the things that hinder love
Thoughts about life and love
Thoughts about myself that are to the detrement of my heart
Holding onto the scars inflicted on my heart
Pridefully gripping onto every word
Clinging onto every syllable
The resonance of the whispers burning in my soul
Everytime I close my eyes, I see the remains of words spat at me
Why can I not let go?
The very pain I enjoy is consuming my ability to walk
Holding me back from the freedom of loving myself
Holding me back from being loved intimately
Holding me back from sharing the deepest parts of me
Standing here holding onto desires and pleasures
Filling my void with the lies I believe about myself
The delight in lies has become the knife in my own hand
Piercing the flesh of my heart…day by day
Why can I not let go?
You grip my hand
And say ‘Deidre, I desire that you let go’
‘Deidre, I desire that you let go’
Crying, kicking and screaming… you lovingly take it from me
The delight of my pain leaves me devoid
With all my heart I want it back…
I want to resede into my place of comfort
The sting of your truth is more painful than I thought
Like salt in my wounds…burning
More so than the pain of accusations
Bandaging my wounds with truth
You teach me to live again
With the faint yes in my soul, you cultivate a deeper cry to let go
My heart is recovering from the wounds of rejection, accusation and abandonment
The scars on my heart fading each day as I say yes with stronger conviction
Each day anointing my heart with the oil of Your love.