So the passed few days have been me digging deep into my heart, really evaluating my heart and having to honestly face how I feel. How I dread living in the unknown and how I like to have my life planned out. Ever since high school I knew what I wanted to do with my life what I wanted to become and where I would see myself in my ’10 year plan’. So I aimed for those things, I worked hard and studied hard…then worked harder and harder and harder. Attaching my worth in life to what I had achieved and where I am at. Investing my heart, soul and mind into all that has not satisfied me.
Entangled in my career, my successes and my relationships… especially my relationships (Sidebar: you will often find me speak about marriage and love as this is what I am dealing with most…and I am a woman which makes me relational in the image of God). I also began attaching my self-image to what I am able to do, like being creative and being a musician / singer. Being here at IHOP and having all those things silenced in my life has left me in a very dry and open space of nothingness and it scares me greatly! I have nothing to cling to for comfort, support and a sense of worth.
So here I am 3 years away from my 10 year plan and I realize I am not going to hit my mark…the realization of I have nothing but Jesus has left me in a really desperate place. The last few days has had me in this place of being ruined by love, something I don’t even understand most days. All I know is I am at a place where my heart is crying and groaning for deep satisfaction…I don’t know how to go forward from this place but more certain am I that I cannot go back. Going back would leave me eternally regretful…so much so, living without Jesus would be death in itself.
It is like being in a desert and being so desperate for a drink of water…crawling my way to this oasis collapsing before I am even able to drink…my body is so dehydrated that I am unable to drink. I gain consciousness and realize someone is giving me a drink, yet I am too weak to even open my eyes. I need to take small sips at a time. With every sip I grow in strength and eventually I am able to see a man, whom introduces himself as Jesus…who is this kind man? Why am I resting in his lap? Why is he singing over me? Where am I? Looking down at me he whispers ‘oh fairest among women, drink that you may never thirst again’. His eyes are so beautiful…mesmerized by the grace in his eyes… I keep drinking.
Now I drink daily, one handful at a time…I drink deeply of his love. The more I drink the more I am satisfied…I realize that in this place of barrenness…he has seen the depths of my heart. In him I have everything…the more I drink the more my heart is filled with the truth of who I really am. In this place of emptiness I am filled…satisfied. On the journey towards strength and satisfaction I am growing in love. With every drink he washes me in the knowledge of God…with every drink he washes away my fears and allows my innate desire to arise. I desire nothing more than the love of Jesus… actually I just want to sit in this place and lean on him…just gazing into his eyes of endless love and affection…I rejoice because amidst the mess of my life I have found something worth my time and devotion.
I begin to realize I am on an eternal plan now..one that will lead me to the throne of he who is and will always be the reason for my existence…and on that day I will be all He has created me to be..on that day I will be in the fullness of who I am… the daughter of an eternal King.
Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”
So being at IHOPKC you become immersed in music (sometimes the same song all the time)…but this song just sticks in my heart…I love sharing amazing finds, so here is to the amazing worship leader Jordan Marcotte (check out his webpage www.jeymarc.com… enjoy!