Ah there is nothing more rewarding than just sitting the early hours of my day and being able to just write and dialogue with God. There is a secret place in my heart that only God can really touch and reside in. That place is so secret most days I don’t even know what is going on in there. It is so crazy being in this environment here at IHOPKC, daily facing the lies and the desires that lie deep within the secret place of my heart. Being faced with the realization that God looks upon the secrets of our hearts and whether we know it or not…he knows the depths of our beings.
So seeing the depths of my heart is a rough encounter most days…often being faced with a feeling of disgust that I am the way I am and the reality of my lack as a human. Understanding the human state of my heart allows me to look at life in a different perspective. We are taught to live a facade of ‘life is great’ and ‘I am perfect’…if that was the case we really would not need a savior…I really would not need one. I will never be perfect…but I live under the banner of a man who loves me perfectly… I have freedom in knowing and experiencing this love.
Even when I love other things (which is all the time) he loves me more and will make it his purpose to draw my heart away from the place of being dependent on men to fill that. There is a longing in the core of my being to be loved, delighted in and feel completely secure…as legit as these longings are I can choose how I fill it and how it will affect my heart in the end. Even though I know there is a better source of love and delight I somehow still go back to the very things I know is bad for me. Leaving me empty and more of a failure than before…bringing me back to my place of weakness.
I draw back into the secret place within my soul and hide in the depravity of myself…holding onto more lies building up this wall of faint whispers which inevitably becomes a screaming pool of lies…filling my secret place with regret, shame and guilt. Of late there has been a bigger voice within me… the voice that sounds like many waters…washing over my heart…flowing into the crevices of my heart…whispering ‘my grace is sufficient… my grace is sufficient’…the more I incline my ear to that voice the clearer I hear ‘you are dark…yet lovely’. Then it hits me…my heart is dark and will always be (until Jesus returns for me)… living in the secret place is not a stance of being ‘good at being better’…it is more a position of my weakness before a father who sees my beauty amidst the stains on my heart. Bringing myself truthfully before his throne of favor…acknowledging my frail heart, defiled thoughts and weak actions…leaning upon my father to carry me forth through grace and love, even when my mind wages war against me.
In those moments choosing to rise above how I feel…clinging to the only truth…resting in the shade of the cross.