So I am finally heading for the three week mark here at IHOP and my heart has never felt this way before. In fact I realise more and more each day that my heart is feeling and yearning and breaking…my heart is becoming alive to emotions, desires and my own weakness..something that has been muffled by life. I guess desires have always been there, now I realise that I have been filling them with ‘temporary pleasures’ … that make me feel good in the moment …yet it only sustains me for that moment…leaving the hole in my heart so much greater.
For a long time I have filled my mind with the fantasies of what it would be like to be married…dreaming of that day I walk down the isle and see my one true love, just waiting for me…and then life would be great right? Right? I kept clinging to that belief for years, building these fantasies in my mind of what ‘he’ would be like and how we would live our lives…doing all the things I like…being the perfect gentleman, father, husband. The constant daydreaming has led to my own world where I am the delight of the man I love…often substituted in the form of my many crushes. For years I built this image of a love I deeply desired, not even knowing why I have this deep yearning for love. Finally that day had come for my prince charming to arrive in the flesh, or at least in my mind. We dated for about a year and a half , which ended in utter misery and deep resentment on both ends. For a long time I blamed him and never understood why this was happening. I resorted to withdrawing into a shell of ‘I am living for Jesus now’, which is not wrong when you actually know Jesus. Boy was my image warped or non existent of him, it was so far from the truth in my heart. I was confused, bitter, angry and more so broken.
So fast track a few years to this very day and my heart is just raw and broken and exposed. In the passed few weeks I have found the new ‘husband type guy’ the only thing is he was living in my fantasies again. Which led me to the place of wanting to be his wife and wanting to be married and happy and fullfilled. The only thing is in the real world I was not going to get there…because it was NOT REAL. Which is hard to realize when you are so infatuated with it all. I was not dealing with the reason for my longing. The pain of love in real and it hurts physically and emotionally…now that I am forced to face myself the pain is no longer muffled by wedding blogs, wedding photos and ‘ahhhh that’s so cute’ moments… it is slap bang in my face. I am still at the ‘why Lord, why’ phase, however I have aknowledged the pain and deep down I realise that it exists. All week long I have been hearing about being the bride of Christ and how I am his inheritence and how he has died for me. Who is this bridegroom King? Most days it just feels so far-fetched. The only thing I know right now is that it is real…if the pain of love is this real…there has to be a real man who loves me more than any earthly man could. I am created to love and be loved…the real kind of love that only Jesus has to offer…getting to the place of being overcome by such love is still a work in progress. I find that I need to bring my heart before him daily…somedays hourly.
Jesus is so devoted to me that he has brought me to this cross road in my life. So much so that he has drawn me out of my world into the real world…where real love exists. It is difficult for me living in the real world and daily I need to bring myself back to face real love…the more I face it , the more I realise that I don’t feel worthy of it. So slipping into ‘my world’ makes me feel temporarily happy. All I know right now is that there is a Bridegroom Jesus, waiting for me at the end of the isle, waiting to satisfy my inner most longings and I am going to trust him on this one…the rest will have to come as we go on this journey together (because it is just overwhelming at times). I have the seal of love burned onto my heart and until I find the Bridegroom I will never know what real love looks like and feels like…and I am not willing to settle for second best again. In a nutshell I am learning to see the bigger picture of real love…a Jewish man whom I know very little of, clinging onto the little bits of his heart and allowing him to pour his love on my heart.
One thing I know is that above all else this is REAL.