So maybe I (Deidre) lied a little by saying that my previous blog would be my last. Alas I love blogging way too much to just walk away…but in all honesty I am about to leave the country and will be out of touch for a while.
I sit here typing this blog entry mainly for myself (I have this need to understand my inner thoughts by seeing them). It’s so cold out and rainy, I am enjoying the indoors and my caffeine fix – secretly thinking upon what it would be like to be married and snuggled up watching movies…alas I am digressing. The passed week has been super tough and emotionally challenging for me. Barely keeping my head afloat and blindly trusting a God I cannot see. I share this entry because I am a woman, I cry and more than anything I am human and I fail most days. More so I have a God who knows that about me and loves me regardless of what I lack.
This week I have learned that I am human and not super human… it is okay for the cracks to show because it gives me character and if anything builds my character. For a while now my plans for going to IHOP (for those who do not know and are new to my ramblings – I am leaving to do a 6 month missions internship) have been running fairly smoothly, having to trust a little at a time. This has been a fairly easy peasy walk as I have grown in faith…yeah right! I find myself chuckling at my meltdown yesterday (which I will get to shortly). This 2 year venture to finally go to IHOP has arrived and I have put all possible measures in place financially – hoping in the back of my mind I will be sorted. You see sometimes God has other plans for our lives, even as we put measures in place for our future plans. I was sorted with finances for IHOP… alas with Dollar fluctuations and hidden costs I was soon to realise I am not that sorted after all.
Midst the pressure of money not coming in and the dollar eating the last of my savings; somehow I still managed to keep up the wall of ‘I am okay…gonna make it!’ As the days drew shorter my faith started waning and all the while I was just hearing faith sermons left right and center. Being brave and professing my faith…with a smile….then…..TOTAL MELTDOWN. A really ugly one that left me spitting fire and my dad baring the brunt of my bottled up fears and anxiety. Dad being dad (love him so much) just walked away and went about his duties. I was left feeling a total failure, and completely tired and worn. My pretentious heart had allowed my faith to grow dim to the point of faithlessness. All I had was my hot tears streaming down my face and my lack of faith. I probably bawled for an hour solid…just bawling, not knowing what to say… I was at the end of my tether.
Even in that moment of feeling like I am the most faithless person, God is so faithful. He just comforts my heart and wipes away my tears. In those dark and dire moments he just holds my hand and guides me in baby steps closer to his heart. So through my tears I managed to grab my journal (yes I write all the time) and just vent…letting out every fear and frustration. I just let it rip. As I lie there just going for it…he whispers ‘faithful’ and I am like huh? So I go to the concordance of my bible and find the word faithful and I blindly stumble across 2 Timothy 1:13 – If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself.
Those words ripped through my heart…here I was feeling as faithless as can come and God is like…’it’s okay I am faithful and that is all that matters’. God did not need me to do anything or be anything, it did not change who he is. As long as I know who he is. He is able, faithful and amazing to me. So even when I speak the word he gives me and not understand… all I need to is hold onto Him. My friend Emmanuel always says that faith is not belief…it is God and his promises to us. I have been trying so hard to get my emotions into the ‘frame of faith’ and that was not what God wanted. He just wants me to know what he says and close my eyes to what is happening around me.
Now I sit here at the end of my week….4 days away from my trip. Lacking some money, having done everything I could…with a faithless heart. Knowing that God is the author and finisher of my faith, all I need to do is breathe, count to ten and jump to the next step he reveals. I have done all I can…so now I sit back and relax and let the next 4 days be written and edited by a God so much greater than I can ever imagine. I am so afraid and entirely dependent upon God, it makes me freak out most days…but I have lesson to learn…that even in my faithlessness, God is faithful…that is who he is…it is his nature to be faithful.
As my last few South African days draw to and end I will gird my legs and focus my gaze upon God knowing that he is my all. Psalm 61:2 – From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.