I (Deidre here) sit here typing my last blog for a while (guess Bianca will have to write for while)…slugging my coffee…just thinking back. I believe that you need to know where you come from in order to know where you are going. I guess the past serves as a reminder to trust and believe in the goodness of God and his grace that wraps us up in loving arms. I don’t think it is there for God, but rather for us…because we forget sometimes. Like I did recently…
So I am officially 20 days away from my Kansas City trip. For those of you who do not know I am going to do a missions internship for six months of my life. The last few days have been super tough. Holding your head up high when faced with a mountain of things to do and huge hill of money you need to climb. Alas faith is but smaller than a mustard seed. Well in my mind it is…however I am reminded daily that faith is not dependent upon me at all…it is there in the word of God and all I need to do is take that as fact.
Yeah so you thinking that is crazy, I know….crazy beautiful. You see a while ago (about a year or so) I was captivated by the story of Mary of Bethany how she gave up her ‘work’ and chores and just sat at the feet of Jesus.
Luke 10: 38 – 42
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary,who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” 41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed – or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
I think the thing that stuck with me was the words Jesus uttered…she has chosen better. My heart has desired more from life for such a long time and I related. I was tired of working to be the best and trying I just wanted to sit at his feet and listen and be enthralled by his amazing word. With that said… I still live in this world where ‘reality’ faces me daily. I had to give up my job (which was the craziest, yet liberating choice ever)… I still had the boldness to write on my application form to IHOPU that I gave it up as I was going to do the internship (not even knowing if I was going to be accepted)… yet I left and started work at SAHO… the money was better, the perks less and I had to save about R40 000 to get into the program. I focused day by day and avoided looking ahead. But as the days drew less my focus became more long term….then doubt crept in.
I was a bit down and out yesterday, seeking comfort and just peace of mind that I am in fact not crazy, so I went about my day asking God to just give me a sign or something to cling to. I stumbled across this amazing blog a few days ago, called circuit rider (I encourage you to go and read it and pray along side Jacob Yakos). In the blog he spoke about Mary of Bethany… my Mary! The part that resonated with me was that Mary took her Perfume (Spikenard) and poured it on Jesus’s head and feet…people thought her to be crazy as this was a whole years wages…yet Jesus was pleased and said that we will always have the poor to feed and clothe, but not always him…in my mind that translated as I will never ever have this six months in my life again…never ever would I be able to take this time out to just pour all I have to offer.
I could relate to the cost of all Mary was giving…I am at that place..where I have given my all (all my bucks, my time and my hope) I had nothing more to offer…and that was so pleasing to God. I failed to see that I was pleasing God even though I had started to doubt. He saw my heart through all of this ‘insanity’…and he was pleased. So I sit here today utterly broke, yet peaceful that my plans are his plans. I have been tossed by the waters of fear, but his love has held onto me, not letting me drown.
Many waters cannot quench love, Nor can the floods drown it. If a man would give for love All the wealth of his house, It would be utterly despised. God is a maker (cool, awesome, amazing) like that and I am but to trust. Reading through my old journals (2010/2011), I am grateful that I have grown and evolved into more of who I am meant to be…at that time I was not sure I would make it. Going through nights of deep depression and loneliness, today I can smile about my life…about who I am. I have made it because I desired God and more so He desired me…my beauty has ravished his heart. I have made it guys!…to the exact place he needs me at. Now my eyes see the goodness and faithfulness that follows me, because he first loved me.
Here is to a new journey of faith and dependence on God. Till I blog again… I am hoping I will have time to just share my ramblings throughout this trip.