Today is a personal blog again…just exploring what is within my heartfelt self.
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23
Never did this simple statement ring true until this very day, this very moment in my life. A long walk has molded my heart to be able to understand the value of those words. My heart is filled with many things, it bursts with dreams and desires… I often find myself caught up in my daydreaming ways. However the dreams are locked up within my heart if I do not allow them to materialize. For a long time I have left them locked deep within my heart, stifling them by the busy buzz of my life…not allowing them to surface until recently.
I once read in one of my favorite books Captivating by Staci Eldredge: “Her soul is Alive. And we are drawn to her.” These words made me think a little. Was my soul truly alive? Deep within me resounded the ‘No’ I hated to hear. The answer lingered for years and eventually grew dim as the years went by. I think what was more scary was the notion of ‘fixing’ this matter, by fixing I did all I knew best. Being self sufficient, brave, cold, methodical and pretentious. Living the facade that I was ‘great’, hidden behind fake smiles and hugs at church. See in society we are ‘taught’ to have it together, be the good friend, daughter, sister, wife…the perfect woman…no cracks..shiny trophies in a display cabinet. In my mind that was guarding my heart…keeping people at a distance while they thought they were my closest allies. Don’t get me wrong sometimes certain people are to be kept at a distance, I have learnt that hurting people… hurt people. I was one of them (and some days still am), so I know how easily it is to hurt those close to me.
So my life went on..day in…day out…being great at what I do, avoiding questions about me and my heart. I even took that stance into a relationship that lasted more than a year and then I was at wits end and had to get out. Partially because the relationship was going nowhere slowly and because I was going nowhere fast. Knowing what I know now about myself, I don’t regret it one minute. I remember words that was spoken to me, at the time it hurt deeply (as most truths do)…but now I get it. The words ‘Dee you were such a colorful person when I met you…now you just resemble what looks like beige’…BEIGE!!?? You gotta be kidding me…as a creative, that cuts deep. So true to the core of me… I was being beige…beige about me.
How could I allow my life to waste away before my eyes…because I was so focused on the future and who I needed to be, I failed to be me. So today I am still picking up the pieces of forgotten dreams, figuring out the blurry remnant of my dreams that once burned my retina :). More than anything each day I need to remind myself to live in the moment. Live for now, tomorrow is not a guarantee. The first step towards being me is allowing my heart to feel again. Life is not certain, but one thing that is sure, is being rejected and being hurt…however one may choose to walk away and hide in the shadows of our pain…or simply pick ourselves up and allow our hearts to love again, regardless of the certainty that life will hurt us again and again. It is that fear of love that holds us down, that fear of passionately losing control of our emotions, but that’s the beauty of this melody of life…we live, we love and we dance while we do it. Guarding my heart is not building walls and barbed wire fences…but bleeding for life and love and all things deep within my being. I was created to live and do it in abundance.
Far too long my life has been a hesitant mess…not knowing what may or may not happen. A few nights ago my friend Bee looks at me and says ‘friend, where do you see yourself?’ and I could not answer it in one single sentence… I said to her that I long to be that beach bum that plays her piano on the beach (with sand in my toes)… that is my happy place…where I am me…big haired, flowy-clothed, sandy toed me. Then the question lingered…why not? Which followed with the answer I have had for the past two years ‘take my hand and lets run’…eloping into the arms of love…into the arms of Christ, my source of everything.
I started that journey by being creative again, taking pictures, writing, singing like there is no end to my words. I guess I want you to know that, you are never to old to live…or to far gone to be all you are created to be.
Find your dreams again, find the color of life within your heart you have allowed to fade…it is there just look deep within.