Today I (Deidre here) just feel like sharing a bit about what love has taught me. So here goes…enjoy!
We should not think ourselves a giver whose posessions, love, and money are gifts to give those in need, as if we had something to give. Rather we should think ourselves a warehouse with broken locks, in whom God stores a wealth of different gifts that anyone curious, cruel, or crushed enough to inquire may freely take. One should not think themselves a giver. – David Bowden www.davidbowdenpoetry.com Twitter: @davidbpoetry
These words rip my heart to pieces…I am shattered by the notion of giving. More so because I struggle greatly with taking or rather accepting things…accepting grace. Grace defined as a manifestation of favor, something dotted upon you without you having earned or worked for it. I cannot imagine gaining something and not having earned it, so my mind is slightly wired that way. Which brings me to the journey of accepting that I have something to offer deep inside my warehouse and in order for people to gain access to this I need to allow those locks to be broken…the locks that lock up all I have to offer. The hurt I hold onto…withholds healing from another.
The thing I hold onto is accepting things and that is a lock God needed to break. Breaking the mold of self sufficiency. For the heart of a woman is to be vulnerable, but society tells us ‘I’m a survivor’ and be that ‘Independent woman’… do not get me wrong. We should be able to do things for ourselves, but the problem is when our heart dies to vulnerability and being cared for. I was on the brink of that until Earl Luke Josias saved me from that self destructive path. It is easier for me to accept things from his wife (Bianca aka Bee), she is my best friend and we are cool like that, I can do things for her and she can do things for me. But with Earl it is a different ball game all together. He is a man and accepting things from men is a tad bit different for me. I come from a home where my dad is lovely at doing things and giving us all we need…but I am also taught that in life things come only if you work really hard. Not being a burden to others and fighting for what you want in life.
Allow me to first tell you a bit about Earl Luke Josias. He is very manly…he provides… he is stable… confident…opinionated…is unshakable (except for when it comes to Bee she has that affect on the guy) and he does not deal well with crying – which is okay I have Bee for that. Alas… so into my life (Bee’s life) walks Earl Luke Josias (I may never refer to him other than that so bear with me)…confident, bad ass, take-no-crap, say-it-like-it-is….deal-with-it…accept-it kind of guy. I remember first being taken aback most days by his accept-it persona. Seeing how he walked into Bee’s life, changed it completely and took care of her… over and beyond the call of duty…for some reason it made me angry at first. I now see why… I could not deal with being taken care of… he was teaching her and me to accept love for what it is FREE and so I have come to learn that lesson as well. I remember days of being so uncomfortable by his giving nature and his ability to just ‘sort things’ out…but most of all I was ripped apart by the fact that he wanted nothing in return…nothing. In my mind that was wrong… don’t walk into my life and want to sort me out…I am FINE! (funnily enough that was always my words to them) Dude are you for cereals? To make matters worse he would know you hate certain things and he would target just that. So he knew and still knows I hate accepting things, so he would hit me the hardest in those areas. Most days unawares of his actions…as it is his nature to just give and do and love I guess.
A midst all the wonderful things he does…allow me to focus on the simple act of driving me to and fro and not want anything in return. DONE…. HEART RIPPED APART… every single time he drove me where I needed to be… for a long while I would go home and cry (*note to Earl Luke Josias and Bee – hence my internal moods swings guys). I would be angry and just plain ‘messed up’ inside. I sit here typing this with a smile on my face…because now I happily jump into his car without feeling guilty or feel like I am a burden. I look back on the days of his old car and remember the fondest chats and wisdom shared there…also the moments of just being able to have a safe place to cry and be. I have come to see that through this simple action, that there is grace and freely so. I have come to learn that I need to accept certain things as just that… free….for me. So this brings me to the beautiful realization that I have the right to take from God all I can and it is free. like Isaiah 55:1 says: ‘Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.’ More than anything I am more open to delving into areas in my heart that are uncomfortable to deal with because I know that from that flows the things others may need.
I will forever look back on this act of love and know the lesson is learnt. I am a warehouse filled with things in whom God stores a wealth of different gifts that anyone curious, cruel, or crushed enough to inquire may freely take. I am happy to not think myself a giver. There is so much to take from God…how can I not?
So thank you Earl Luke Josias…for being the enlightened one that has enlightened my heart.