I sit her typing (after a very long time)…still not sure why God loves me so much. In fact so much that He was willing to take 3 years of his time waiting for me. It has been a 3 year journey of just letting go and walking away from life as I knew it. 3 years and I have arrived to the exact place he has destined me to be right now.
What started as a whisper (My beloved spoke, and said to me: “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.) in my ear eventually became a yearning in my heart for something more… a part of me knew there has to be more to love and I had to go find out. A crazy leap of faith followed, I ended up letting go of a relationship (which was my entire world at the time), a very successful career (many looked at me in stupor) and my comfortable life. A leap that slowly released my fingers from the life I was clinging to… the things I so badly desired to hold onto to.
As I type this I am still in awe of God’s patience with me. I look back and stand in amazement of how much he has taken care of me, those lonely days (and there were many) are over. He has filled that void with so many beautiful things.
A part of those beautiful elements are my friends… Bianca, Earl, Lizette, Emmanuel. They filled my heart in so many ways. Bianca gave me back my sense of unconditional love, a love that sticks things out and has no regard of character or person. She just loves and her heart just breaks for the sake of love…she is so awesome! I remember the lonely days, when she would just hold me as I cry, those hugs made my heart vulnerable again as it should be.
Earl (we joke about this) but he has shown me what it is to hope again. To hope that there are men out there that are willing to be pillars of strength, integrity and fearless love. I look at that boy and think ‘father I know that ‘Cho’ (my asian obession LOL…internal friend banter) is going to be a good man and that I never walked away for nothing’. So when ever I see Earl my heart hopes again… he is an amazing man and has set a very high standard for other men.
Lizette, such an amazing woman, she inhabits the peace of God. I can just sit next to her, not speak a word and know that God is awesome. Such a well of love and wisdom…I remember seeing her the first time and thinking father if I can be a little like her, I would be happy. Staci Elderidge says in her book captivating: ‘A woman is a warrior too…she is meant to be a warrior in a uniquely feminine way.’ – this best describes Lizette to me.
Ah Emmanuel (God is so with this guy)… he inhabits that fearless disregard for circumstances. I remember the day he walked into my life, me being very afraid of him. He walks with such quiet confidence it is intimidating. God knew just what I needed. I needed to trust again and Emmanuel has taught me to leap and jump and free fall and sky dive and all the scary things. I always say that I trust him so much that I would jump off a building blindfolded if he said it was safe. My heart has learned to trust because Emmanuel has physically shown me that God is with me always all I need to do is go for it.
I find it amazing how God loves you through people and things and circumstances. He knew I needed to find love, hope, peace and trust and he gave me Bianca, Earl, Lizette and Emmanuel. God gave me love in the flesh. So now as I embark on my journey to the other side of the world because once again he has whispered (Listen, O daughter,
Consider and incline your ear; Forget your own people also, and your father’s house; So the King will greatly desire your beauty; Because He is your Lord, worship Him.)… not knowing what he has in store. I confidently (and with great sadness at the thought of leaving my life behind) packing my things, my very last bucks and literally all I have to offer…to follow the call of love. I am so scared yet I feel liberated and honoured to be setting out 6 months of my entire life to just seek God and find that love I so deeply desire.
Some of you might read this and think I am so crazy, I get that and I respect that. I have made a decision to live my life this way and not worry about the comfort life has to offer. I choose (decide on a course of action, typically after rejecting alternatives) to love, hope, trust and have peace in the promises of God – He brought me to the banqueting house (this very place I am at), and his banner over me was love. #LIVE.LOVE.GOD